Dear Dandan:

Earlier you wrote that about 2014 and onward: “I wanted to improve my self esteem, improve myself in every aspect my looks, appearance, personality”. In May 2, 2021, you wrote: “I will focus (on) the workouts and what I can do to improve my confidence… getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge”-

– I want to propose to you today an emotional transformation challenge that will make it possible for you to succeed long-term in other emotional (self-esteem, confidence), physical (looks, appearance), career (a satisfying job, maybe abroad) and relationship (a satisfying relationship/ marriage) challenges:

Stop seeing life through your mother’s eyes. See life anew, with your own eyes. It will make a huge difference in your life for the better.

Through your mother’s eyes, she is Everybody’s Victim, everyone judges her and everyone victimizes her, including  neighbors: (“She didn’t have a great relationship with the neighbours as well when we were kids. She always felt people judged her”).

You feel so much pain for her because you believe that she really is and has been, since her childhood, Everybody’s Victim, a tragic figure, and you are eager to defend her and show (here on your thread) that she really is that victim, that tragic figure.

I understand that her life has been unfortunate in some significant ways, but many people’s lives have been, and are unfortunate, including your sisters’ and your own life: look back at your life so far, hasn’t it been quite tragic?

She is not more of a victim than many millions of people all over the world, past and present. She is not as much of a victim as she has presented herself to be. In some contexts she presented herself to be the victim when it is not true at all, for example, your sisters, when they were young girls, were her victims, not the other way around.

As long as you believe that your mother is Everybody’s Victim, The World’s Tragic Figure, you will continue to carry in your heart too much pain to handle. With too much pain to handle, you are bound to fail in the challenges you set for yourself.

Let’s look further into how The Victim affects her favorite, special person: “She likes me more than my siblings. She always takes extra care of me. Even now. Treats me special.. My mom still loves me a lot. My sister says that my mom is like obsessed with me… I don’t know I couldn’t handle too much love… She wants me to be around her. She tells that my presence gives her some strength… For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile and needy of that emotion when I felt. I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much to me“-

– her special treatment of you is too much for you to handle, it makes you feel so heavy inside. It may give her some strength, but it takes away your strength and  makes you weak. Her special treatment of you is keeping you sick: it traps you and imprisons you inside the life of Everybody’s Victim.

Please take on the challenge of freeing yourself from that prison, that world: see your mother as she really is and you will see you the way you really are (a much  better person than you imagine yourself to be in every way), and you will see other people as they are. This clear seeing will make it possible for you to make better choices in life, choose wisely what other challenges to take on, and succeed in those challenges.

anita