Hi Anita, Thank you for the tip for back pain, im fairly sure i overextended due to doing some leg exercise a bit too much. Big mistake as i have been suffering the consequences. I really feel like an old woman with this back problem…of all the things but im too young for that. I did go to the hospital had a check up and they think its facet joint pain..their solution was to give me an injection of steroids to see if that alleviated the pain, then they would know for sure…im not keen to do that though.

Well, about bullying..my ex had a grown son, and when he met my mom he told his dad that she wasn´t very kind to me. I think what he was referring to was the teasing that my mom liked to do. For example it was usual that when i had a boyfriend over and i was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in. In this instance i had made dinner for his family (i was extremely stressed because it was not typical for me to cook for so many people) and likely my mom was teasing again. This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense. It seemed innocent to me but looking back i can see that maybe there was something else there.

Since i was with my ex for some years he would hear me complain about my mom´s unreasonable behaviour whenever she was acting up and would also see it for himself time to time and i think he concluded that she was a difficult person. but i know he also liked her as they were similarly sharp and could bounce off each other. Since we had broken up, i had called him once out of desperation as my sister and parents had caused a rift and i couldnt handle their behaviour..i felt i was going to have to just leave them behind. It was typical for my sister to visit, build up a tension between her and my mother, cause a fight and then take her flight home and forget about us for a while..leaving me with the pieces. The only person i felt i could talk to was him, since he knew me a long time and my family problems.

I feel im rambling on and can´t structure my thoughts at the moment.

About feeling upbeat- im so used to my downward looking depressive nature but would like to be more hopeful. I think the influence of my mom has always been depressive. I have a friend who said she didnt think she had ever been depressed. She can get angry and upset but she doesnt ever seem to stay in a low mood. I have times lately where i just want to stay in bed all day.