I talked to the person who did my intake interview yesterday. They’re not saying no, but they need to see my medical records to make sure I’m not at risk of mania. The request has been sent to the records department at the hospital where my doctor works, but I have no idea how long it’s going to take for them to get them over. The person I talked to said that if she doesn’t have the records early next week, she’ll start making phone calls, which I take to be a good sign. There is another program I’m looking into, which would be good, but not as good as my first choice. The second program is in a covid hot spot and has much stricter protocols which sound like they would get in the way (plexiglass partitions in the dining room, closed gym, individual therapy done virtually). They also allow smoking, and I am hoping for a non-smoking facility to help me quit. If I have to I’ll go there, but I’m really hoping for my first choice.

I felt really pessimistic yesterday, and it got me down. But I’m feeling a bit better today. I’m going to have a picnic with one of my best friends this afternoon, and I’m sure that will help.

I’m just so damn tired of this. I want to feel better. I feel like this is a life and death situation after my experience with suicidal thoughts last week. I’m not having those thoughts now, but the idea that they could come back, especially if I don’t get into the program I want to go to, is terrifying. I also know that my lifestyle, with lots of smoking and little exercise or nutritious food, will kill me one day if I don’t make changes. I just have to get better.

The other reason I have to get better is my son. He is really struggling right now. He hates his life and wishes he were never born. He sometimes asks me to kill him. We have him in therapy, and I love his therapist. But I know that as long as I’m this depressed, I can’t really do much to help him feel better. I don’t want him to feel the way that I did as a kid, as if his distress doesn’t matter to anyone. I am there for him as much as I can be right now, but I need to get better, and especially to deal with the trauma around his birth so that I can truly support him and help him have a happier life.

Thank you for reading this.

Ilyana