TeaK,

My father left us when I was 5 years old. I have only bad memories, as he was a firm believer in discipline. My siblings and I were physically punished by our “father” every time we were guilty of some wrongdoing. I still remember I used to wet myself when I knew I was in for a beating. My mother was loving and caring, and tried to intervene most of the time, or probably all the time, but was abused too. I still remember one incident, where we had to “hide” at one of the neighbors because my “father” was out of control. I get “choked” and get “stuck” in the past every time I go down these “memory lanes”. I don’t know why, but every time I get “flashbacks” or think about my past or think about “past” time, I get depressed. I feel like my life just passed before my eyes, so quickly, without me being able enjoying the good times. That’s maybe why I yearn to go back in time. To be “young” and change my past and live the missed moments. I feel I never achieved anything. I’m so jealous and envy younger people. I really need to break this nostalgia, I don’t want to live in the past or the future, but I want to live in the PRESENT.

As for my mother, she always put her kids first. My mother never neglected us, we took her for granted and did her wrong.

It was a time when she was happy. From I was 6-7 years old till I was 16 years old, she was in a relationship. My mother loved him, and she was genuinely happy. He was the love of her life. He was good to us. Never mistreated us, never any wrongdoing. Except, he was married and had kids. My mother was “the other” woman and labeled as “homewrecker”. As time went by, and I got in my teens. I realized he will never leave his wife and kids. So, I started to act out, I was showing my “bad” sides and stopped talking to my mother. Eventually, after some time, she had to choose, and she ended the relationship. It broke my mother into “thousand” pieces. It killed her, and I haven’t seen her happy since. I hate myself for that, my mother deserved to be happy. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. I took away my mother’s happiness and “killed” her. I can see the pain in her eyes, I hate myself so much for ruining her life.