Dear miyoid,

I’ve checked the beginning of this thread, page 1, and there was a quote Anita pasted about something you said in June 2019:

“I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears… emotionally and physically abandoned by both of my parents several times. I was left to live with one parent and then left with another when they’ve got divorced. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone so I have always kept my feelings to myself” (June 2019).

Your mother’s love was unpredictable, and your were emotionally and physically abandoned by your parents several times. That’s what caused your fear of abandonment. You say you don’t see the connection between your choice of boyfriends and your mother, but reading your words from June 2019, the connection is very clear.

Your mother’s love was unpredictable, exists and then disappears – same as the love of your present boyfriend. You never know when he’s going to have an episode, when he’s going to want to leave you, when he can be there for you, etc. And he’s abandoned you not just emotionally (with his inconsistent behavior), but also physically – he moved out and doesn’t live with you any more.

My mom loved us like any other mother would do. But I know that she’s seen children as something that would hold people back. Therefore, she never wanted us (me and my sister) to be mothers. And I don’t think that we would ever have children.

Your mother doesn’t want you and your sister to have children, which is because she didn’t like having children. Children are something that was holding her back. That’s one reason why you feel rejected and unwanted. You felt you were an obstacle and a nuisance to your mother. You believe you prevented her from being happy, from leaving your father earlier, from making her own decisions. That’s how the child blames themselves for their parent’s weaknesses.

In earlier threads you spoke about your mother ignoring her own problems in her marriage for a long time and enduring the harassment of your narcissistic father, who even forbid her to visit her own father. She only left him after her father died and she didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

It’s not your fault that your mother was unhappy – she was unhappy because she couldn’t stand up for herself, and she allowed your father to harass and control her. Probably she also tolerated him not helping with the children or the household, leaving everything on her shoulders (She was working hard and trying to raise us, do all the responsibilities at home as well. Maybe that’s why she didn’t have much time.)

I believe you said earlier your mother had a full-time job. And also, that your father was rather stingy and didn’t want to spend on the family, but only on himself. I imagine your father wouldn’t allow to pay for help in the household to unburden your mother, and he wouldn’t help her himself. So your mother was left alone with all those responsibilities, which clearly made her frustrated and also made her see you, her children, as a burden. But none of that was your fault. Rather, it was the fault of your parents – your selfish and self-centered father, and your submissive, enduring mother.

You said that when you later complained about your problems, she would downplay them, she didn’t think your problems were problems at all, because she endured much harsher things. She minimized your pain, as being nothing compared to hers. She didn’t see you, didn’t understand you. And I believe it’s because she refused to deal with her own pain, that’s why she didn’t have compassion neither for herself nor for you. Now she has compassion for cats and abused animals, while probably still having no compassion for herself or you.

I just want to be understood, like the rest of the people.

You want to be understood – something  you never received either from your mother or your father. I also believe you want someone who is committed to you, who won’t abandon you, and who doesn’t see you as a burden. Your mother wasn’t really committed to you emotionally – she was physically, but she was burdened by you and your sister, and that’s why you felt unwanted and in danger of being abandoned.

Your boyfriend is the same – he cannot really commit to you and sees you as a burden. But he’s better than your mother in one thing: he’s able to see you and understand you. That’s why you’re holding on to him so badly…

Are you able to see the connection between your past and your present?