@sammy1 Stop being a troublemaker and it’s okay if you hated me, don’t need your approval!😝 See how far I’ve come ahaha. I think ‘B’ has got me all fired up today.

Or maybe the humour is being used to disguise discussing the truth…

I wrote that to @Jay2023 because depression is not spoken about in men, a few weeks ago we had an honest conversation and it made me accept it and recognise I wasn’t alone. There’s a much greater stigma with men, I blame toxic masculinity.

I find it difficult to take myself back to that place but if it helps someone reading or @Jay2023, I will be vulnerable with my emotions and journey.

I didn’t admit to what was happening, I was already ashamed of being dumped on top I felt disgusted for being weak, unable to cope. So I passed it off as normal heartbreak but it wasn’t. It was something much darker.

For a very long time I didn’t know my own identity. I struggled, I appeased to fit into different crowds. When the person I had felt love for the very first time rejected me and that love, that too with my best friend it just culminated and triggered something terrible which had been brewing for number of years. Those intrusive thoughts that used to creep in when I was younger just flooded me.

It was like someone screaming you’re shit, you’re worthless on repeat and then you go numb.

The world lost its colour, activities I initially found some solace in as distraction gave me no joy. It was like something invisible was weighing me down and slowly sucking the life and soul out of me. No matter how much I tried, I was exhausted by the extra effort required just to do the bare minimum. The world was moving further and further away or maybe I was sinking deeper. It was scary. I didn’t think I would ever feel the happy feels again or “normal”. On top of this my brother was desperately ill. I literally lost my wingman, my brother was ill and parents were wracked with worry for him. I’d lost a partner to lean on too. That voice just grew louder. You’re weak! You’re selfish! Etc.

I went on dating apps, part of it was so I could fill the void of losing the ex and mostly to feel something, anything, even if it was to expel anger or get revenge for the way the ex had treated me as advised by my company at the time. But the sex was hollow, I was treating people unkindly; justifying the exchange. I was unavailable and distant because I was completely lost. I was attracting insecure or unstable women who gave me sex right away because they thought it would bag the “bad boy” The sex was entirely hollow I’m ashamed to say I felt nothing other than it being a means to an end at the time. Doing this just fed that voice even more, I did perpetuate a toxic cycle and I regret that. I should never have been on the apps.

Then I stumbled across my angel and met ‘B’ in that moment everything began to change. What first was a sudden feeling of being a schoolboy again and being very sexually attracted turned into something remarkable. Her intuition knew I was broken, she had this natural ability to draw me out. I wanted to desperately talk to her but then find myself unable to press send. Eventually her light began to drive out my darkness, her empathy and emotional understanding made me feel emotions again. Her support for me encouraged me to push that bit harder against the voice, that feeling of warmth from an emotional connection with another person was something I thought I’d never have again, the hopelessness began to lift. She was seriously sent to me by God as an Angel on earth, I have always appreciated what she did for me and that’s why it is painful to recall how I hurt her.

But feeling something real again as I’ve learned triggered my attachment style. What was a beautiful kind woman who was available, secure and expressive. I let my fears distort into something different. From feeling numb I began to swing from emotion to emotion unable to get a grasp or control. I felt joy and ease to be around her, I felt incredibly excited by the chemistry but then felt smothered because what did she see in me? What was her game? What was she after? There was a constant fear of she was fooling me, she was just pitying me, she would leave me like my ex etc a spiral of this began. It was just too much because I didn’t have the tools to cope so I pushed her away. This obviously confused and hurt her, some would say it was a mind fuck.

She walked away and I’m actually grateful she did. If she had stayed longer we would never have reunited. I think although she is mentally resilient, she’s human, I would have destroyed her as a person and left her feeling unworthy by wearing her down even further with my actions and behaviour to the point she like many other intelligent women felt trapped in the cycle so put up with it.

When she left she was so compassionate, which stung even more. It made me feel bitter, I selfishly convinced myself she was the one who had given up and abandoned me. I was right about her and she wasn’t worth it. So I hopped straight into another relationship determined at least to not mess up, I worked harder but the darkness started to creep back in. I felt hollow again and I knew I needed to start healing and looking inwardly.

It was here I was sick of destroying everyone and everything I love for my selfish choices and inability to face the truth. It was torturing me. I did a lot of inner work. The more work I did the more it highlighted how much I lost in ‘B’ but then I couldn’t find the courage.

When I first posted here I was determined not to fall back into the bottom of that void that ‘B’ had pulled me out of. I also didn’t want to highlight that I had been depressed because I knew despite feeling so lost I was still accountable for my actions. But I gave a bit of background so I wouldn’t be annihilated as I had done on other forums. I was just reduced to a fuckboy, a narcissist and player. I wanted someone to understand and help me retrieve what I had lost with ‘B’. You all were amazing. It solidified my decision and gave me the push to fight for her and at least make amends properly to an amazing person.

The rest you know. So I’m not in that dark place I was but I know I haven’t completely eradicated it, if that’s even possible. I’m more self aware, I’m determined to never ever take ‘B’ for granted. I’m determined to love from a place of wholeness. I’m learning to harness my emotions more efficiently and combat that voice that tells me I’m a failure at times and not let it suck me back into that void. I’m achieving this by not self pitying but self loving. I have a second chance with an incredible woman so I don’t want depression to steal my future. I’m not going to let it.

So thats why I sympathise with @Jay2023. I know what its like to feel so overwhelmed with swinging emotions and feeling weighed down. You begin to sometimes believe no one deserves to be brought down by your negative aura and energy so drawback but this just pulls you deeper into that void. You end up pushing away those you actually desperately want or need but it’s like you exist in a different realm and even if you want to, you can’t quite find the strength or words to reconnect with those who care, even though they are right there.

But all I can say is, if someone is reaching out they don’t care about the darkness. They want to help. They want to try at least to add colour back to your world. And being able to makes them feel helpless more than anything because they love and care about you. So if you think you’re going to hurt them and they don’t deserve you “bringing them down” you’re wrong. It hurts more for them to be shut out. I’ve discussed this with ‘B’ and she made me promise no matter how dark the thoughts get, I’m never alone.

I didn’t realise how hard this would be to open up about. I started off writing with a spring in my step but feel rather drained. I hope it gives an insight into what it’s like. I still don’t quite understand whether its a chemical deficit or overload or whether I just didn’t develop the right for coping. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.