Dear miyoid,

I just want us to give a break so that I can be back, safe and peaceful again. Like I was a year ago. Even weeks ago, I felt so peaceful to go to sleep while he was already asleep.

This is very likely related to that same feeling of being safe when your mother is sleeping safely in the next room. This is what soothes your anxiety. You might want to try somatic therapy because it works not just with your mind, but also with your body, i.e. your autonomic nervous system, which seems to be triggered whenever you’re physically apart from your boyfriend, or when you imagine you will be apart. The survival instinct flares up and you start fearing you’re going to be abandoned, and thus, your survival is in danger.

This isn’t happening consciously, but subconsciously, involuntarily.  It’s written in your nervous system. That’s why I believe that soothing your nervous system and re-writing that old imprint is what could help you to reduce your separation anxiety. Yoga is fine, but perhaps you need something in addition, something more targeted to deal with your specific problem, which would be somatic therapy.

I can see the connection even though a part of me says that I haven’t done enough for my ex-boyfriend. I haven’t made him feel that he was loved enough. That’s what he complained about, he didn’t think that he was a priority in my life.

This is your go-to reaction: blaming yourself for not loving him enough. Rationally, I believe you know it’s not true, but you still blame yourself, because you blamed yourself as a child too for not having your needs met. You believe that if you change, he’ll finally give you what you need. But you know it’s not true…

I even made my mother worry by saying that I was depressed. At first, she thought that I made it worse and also that I could feel better if I wanted to. Then we spent a few hours texting and arguing on how I think about her refusing to respect my depressed state and how I’ve never shown her this side of me. Eventually, she quit arguing and told me that she is basically worried and wants me to feel better.

It’s good that you expressed your feelings to your mother, because till now, you’ve never had, if I remember correctly. You used to pretend things are fine because she would usually downplay your experience. It seems she first tried to deny it or downplay it again, telling you “you could feel better if you wanted to”. But you stood your ground and she finally said she’s worried about you. How did you feel afterwards? Was it a positive or a frustrating experience?

I sometimes see people, some friends going beyond their limit and actually be presumptuous in a bad way and feel bad about myself and get upset about them, Even get angry towards them without expressing it. I guess I get jealous of this, being presumptuous. I never feel like I have the right to be like that and when somebody does it, without having the right, I feel awful.

Presumptuous – as in demanding too much, demanding things they don’t deserve?

I can imagine this could be a trigger for you because you didn’t get things that you did deserve, and so when someone is spoiled and wants too much, it makes you angry.

Maybe it’s my time to do some stuff that I don’t have the right to. Just a thought.

Or things you do have the right to, but only believe you don’t? What are some of the things you believe you don’t have the right to, but still want to do?