But somewhere in your bones, in the depth of your heart, you know there’s something else

no, only hope that somehow i will be loved without changing, its false hope based on my mother personality (dreamy unrealistic view of things ) which i inherited

You know that something is wrong with the belief system you grew up in. That’s why you’re writing on various forums, searching, probing

i like how you say this without hesitation, like this is the only reason why i made such post, its actually not, its a combination of my dreamy  quality and boredom, that maybe somehow i will feel something when i post here

Because what if the society’s beliefs and a view of love is distorted, and not you?

actually my view of love, my desire of love, is the distorted one, society has nothing to do with this, i like to imagine society is evil by nature, the only problem i had was to think otherwise when i was young, i’ve been told lies after lies, how life is, how ugly and boring it really is, only if i knew that, i wouldn’t expect anything more

 If you believe you’re a victim of some programming

we all are, in some way or another, sometimes its good sometimes its bad, according to society good and bad

 and you can’t change the program

nope, never said that, infact the whole thing allow more freedom to change my programming, since i wouldn’t say this is my feeling or my belief, just some inherited qualities, and i can change a fair amount of any of this, i always used “refuse” “won’t” never dared to say “can’t” cause i believe i can do anything, in the limit of reason, though i will always have the basic programming

then you’re doomed

even if i did really believe i can’t, it would be only a part of who i was raised to be, and even the desire to change this belief is tied to my programming, but yes this is a bad belief to have, and no its not either someone fault to have such belief, sure he can change it, unless his programming allow him to do so

 You have the free will to believe differently

my only problem with freewill that there is no enough evidence to suggest we have one, just like the belief in a god can be good and bad, freewill can have bad and good qualities, i like to say im skeptic about wither we have freewill or not, cause i know in this world, its too dumb to be sure of anything, but i tend to be more on the “we don’t have one” side

to step out of the “matrix”

lol, believe me in this mind and life, there is no happiness

But, you might find it extremely difficult to start believing differently

who said i want? i actually don’t care wither my position or beliefs are true or false anymore, but if i do what would be the motive ? love ? i don’t find any problem with my current understanding and beliefs, sure i have some bad beliefs and ideas about the world, but we all do, its a normal thing

because this might mean that you need to go against your family, against the norms of your society

im actually doing this right now, as i said “the happiest people who follow their programming”, i could’ve had an easier way, to follow my own programming, my own feelings and thoughts, those that were handed to me by society and family, but i didn’t, i thought for a long time, my feelings and beliefs if i got into a normal life, would’ve made me twice as miserable from now, since i like sadness, the problem isn’t with society, its with my programming, the way i was raised, the way i work, and functions, my feelings, sure i can change those, but for what ? i already have the best life that i can think of, the best life to guaranty the least suffering, infact i had to give myself this life, i always felt guilty, for doing somethings (like school and work) just because society value them

 The easy way is to accept those norms and live according to them

i wish i could do that, then i wouldn’t be so alone and so hated by people around me, but no, i had to go against everything i was taught, you think its easy ? to live this alone, to create your own values and beliefs your own way of thinking, your own philosophy, that will give the least suffering, to check every information you hear, to re think and re taught yourself, to get rid of the bad beliefs, all by your own, to not follow your own feelings and thoughts, because they are part of your bad programming, to not follow your desire, your longing of wanting to cry, your longing of having a second a mother, a replacement of what i lost, while i offer nothing because i don’t care enough about people, you Cleary don’t know who you are talking with

The easy way is to accept those norms and live according to them. And forget the longing of your heart.

i actually think if i did that i would’ve go to a point, the middle ground, maybe somekind of a relationship, but no, i had to discover my own values and goals and mess this up (im joking obviously)

 you don’t live by the society’s rules. How is that possible for you?

my father has retirement, that allows me to live without wasting my time doing things i don’t wanna do just to live, paid slavery if you ask me, since i don’t value money, neither the things that i can buy with money, that gives me freedom of my time, if i decided to follow society, that will mean work, marry and have kids, and i won’t do either, since those will mean i have to take a lot of shit from people, follow a lot of rules that i don’t want to, wither its the whole religion, or the toxic norms, and goodluck finding a female that don’t value those, its very rare, since females tend to follow the rules more, biologically speaking, i can’t live with someone that doesn’t understand me, and who i am now makes it very difficult to find people who does, especially in my country, if you gonna suggest i leave, NO, just no, life will be harder, and i already don’t find any enjoyment of things, imagine paying a price without reward, or a little reward, a hope, i won’t follow hope, what a dumb decision, besides i will be deprived of my free time and have to put a lot of work and do a lot of stuff  i don’t want to do, just no