Dear Kibou,

I’d like to make a correction. I said about your mother: “It appears she was a very loving and caring mother, and provided emotional support to you – up until she got unwell.”

She does seem like a loving and caring mother, however it appears she couldn’t cope with your negative feelings. When you told her she doesn’t care about you, she started crying. She took it personally – as if it means she’s not a good mother. And she felt hurt, because she was a very giving mother (you said she was an over-giver).

Perhaps being busy with your siblings, she didn’t notice your pain, she didn’t notice that something’s going on when you had those suicidal thoughts, and only noticed it when you tried to drown in the ocean? Perhaps she was otherwise a great mother, gave a lot to you, but didn’t have the capacity to face and help you deal with your negative feelings? This too might have caused a sense of abandonment in you.

It appears to me that she didn’t really provide full emotional support to you, even before she got sick, because your negative feelings caused her to feel bad about herself (thinking she’s a bad mother, or it might have caused her to pity herself because she’s giving so much and yet her child isn’t happy, or something along those lines). Do you think that’s a possibility?