Dear TeaK, thank you for your reply.

But you stood your ground and she finally said she’s worried about you. How did you feel afterwards? Was it a positive or a frustrating experience?

I realized something thanks to this question. I didn’t think about what I felt when she just quit trying to convince me into thinking that I could be better if I wanted. When she eventually said that she was worried, I just said some stuff to make her worry less. I just told her that I won’t harm myself and all I would do is cry more. I said her that she doesn’t need to worry about me and I’ll try to get better.

That sums up lots of things about me I guess.

Presumptuous – as in demanding too much, demanding things they don’t deserve?

Yes, in a way. I thought of some friends when using this word. Demanding, and also not being afraid when you’re demanding. I try to be more modest, nicer around people. I don’t demand much. I sometimes cannot even demand what I need, or want. This happened a lot when I was a child. I used to go to my dad’s home, and he lived alone. I remember just preparing myself for minutes and minutes in order to ask if I could open up the computer and play with it for some time. It was hard for me to ask this. It was hard for me to speak my mind. It got easier in years, but I still have hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much.

when someone is spoiled and wants too much, it makes you angry.

Yes. Angry, more like I resent life. I resent the people that let that happen. I realized another thing this week. I am not a jealous person in general. But when it comes to the things that I cannot get from life, and that I need, I get jealous. Is that always the way with jealousy? I don’t think so. Sometimes, people get jealous of the things that they already have.

Just an example, I can get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me. This could be a boyfriend, an older sister, mother. And this could be a teacher, or the life itself. I see the stuff I need and I see other people easily reaching it, without even working for it. And then I get jealous, feel resentment since I cannot reach those stuff I want. Could be love, intimacy, praise or attention.

Or things you do have the right to, but only believe you don’t? What are some of the things you believe you don’t have the right to, but still want to do?

I am not sure about this but I’ll give it some time to be able to figure it out. I might want to feel more spoiled or more lucky. I might want to enjoy my time like I work a lot harder.

Dear Anita,

“He feels like family”-  like the family you have or the family you didn’t have?

“He feels like family but it simply doesn’t work”- He feels like family, and like (your) family, it simply doesn’t work.  Is my editing of this sentence accurate?

I think this is more accurate than I thought it would be. I guess it’s pretty hard to realize and to accept that a specific need of oneself is simply corrupted. I thought that’s what I needed, and it’s going to be hard accepting this truth, that I don’t need him, one hundred percent. I hope that I’ve written these right, those were a bit complicated sentences and I might’ve made some mistakes.

Editing my words and thoughts is necessary, I guess. I see your point, but I guess I’ll need lots of practice about this. I’ve been reading about cognitive behavioural therapy and I’ll read some more about somatic therapy as well. Whatever I can do on my own. I am not as depressive as before, I don’t know how it’ll go. I’ll feel upset again, for sure. I’ll try to handle it better. I know that there’s hope. Thanks for everything.