Dear miyoid:

A diagram using your words on three posts: your first post of June 7, 2019, your second post on June 22, 2019, and your most recent post today, May 25, 2021:

“I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears.. I’ve experienced being emotionally and physically abandoned by both parents several times.. I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone”

=> “I have a big intimacy issue along with the anxious attachment style with partners… I am this needy, I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person… I always worry abut losing (a man’s) affection I guess, or that person.. when it comes to the things that I cannot get from life, and that I need, I get jealous… I get jealous of some attention from someone I care. But only, if that attention is being given to somebody else instead of me… I get jealous, feel resentment since I cannot reach those stuff I want.. love, intimacy, praise or attention”.

Edited diagram, in my own words (with some of your words):

Repeated abandonment and unpredictability of loving-attention in childhood=> A strong conviction that there is no one you can depend on=> feeling needy of loving attention/ intimacy on one hand (“I am this needy”), and rejecting loving attention/ intimacy on the other hand (“I also seem like a very rough, emotionally unavailable person”).

Explanation: one would imagine that a repeatedly abandoned girl, having no one to depend on for predictable loving-attention, as an adult would rush into a relationship with a man who can and wants to give her the predictable loving attention she needed so desperately. But often this is not the case, because the unloved girl, over the years of her childhood, has to survive her childhood, and for that purpose, she partly replaces her need for predictable loving-attention with roughness and anger.

She still needs predictable love but she also needs to protect herself from receiving it and then losing it. Conflicted, she feels and acts very needy with men, then she emotionally withdraws, tough and unemotional, then when the man withdraws, emotionally or physically, she gets needy again, and repeat.

When she finds herself with a  man who is unpredictable, she doesn’t leave because she expects nothing else.

“I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/ relationship… I still have a hard time demanding. Although, most of the time I don’t know what I need or deserve. Therefore, I cannot demand much”- you want and you need loving-attention and intimacy and you don’t want it, needing to protect yourself from losing it. The Problem is this Conflict.

anita