Dear Murtaza:

“doesn’t mind fitting in and doing what everybody doing, say and think like everyone, that’s a norime”-  that is not you!

“I refuse to let my human self control me, tell me what to do and what not to do, I rebel”- you refuse to let your human social needs turn you into a normie, but you can’t eliminate your social needs.

“It sounds like you had such belief, when you were young, that you can be happy for a lifetime and good everyday”- yes, this belief was promoted by fairytales and movies.. it has been a human wish since the beginning, when the fictions of heaven and the like was invented.

“What would it takes then? To be happy? Because the word happiness really means different things to different people, for me? I actually don’t like to say that word”- we have this in common. I go farther than you, perhaps: I hate the word!

“I remember I once talked to a female, and she was a Muslim, she had some ideas different from what Quran said about women, I presented evidence to her, to help her see the truth..  no matter what I say or do, she won’t drop the belief (Quran is perfect)”- the social pressure to be a normie is much greater in a religious Muslim society than elsewhere- you are in a way, way more difficult situation being a rebel in Iraq than you would be in the U.S.(for now, as long as the U.S. is not an autocracy).

“I like the fact that you not only agree with me, but maybe believe me? Or you are just talking to me in my own language?”- following your input, I re-evaluating what I stated before your input, and improved my understanding.

“I really want help, a true help, to feel good, not with this mindset I can’t”- what kind of mindset would you like to have?

I loved reading about how you let your little sister to just be who she is, to show you her true self. It just occurred to me, that a Normie can be created at an early age: when a child is severely punished for disobeying a strict parent’s rules, she/ he grows up to fear disobeying a strict society’s rules.

“I  just saw a guy outdoor alone, and went to talk to him, to give, not make him lonely, just the same way you do to me, without any price”- it was a beautiful act of kindness, on your part.

“you just too perfect”- I appreciate the emotion behind these words. I know that you know that I  know.. etc.,  that I am not perfect. Regarding being perfect, I don’t expect you to be perfect: to never or rarely repeat yourself, etc. (“I repeat myself a lot.. the same excuses..”).

“One thing I wanted to ask you.. I LOVE sadness, I miss it, the pure sadness everyday, the misery, the helplessness, you know I actually somehow get excited.. this thing reminds me of my mom, she like being a victim, she is so sensitive that if we said something slightly bad, she would cry, I think she enjoy it”-

-she cries in front of her children (her observers/ audience)=> her children show worry and caring=> she enjoys their worry and caring, she feels joy, a warm and good feeling inside.

When you LOVE sadness, do you mean that you love imagining someone observing you (an audience of one or more), being a worried and caring audience, and you enjoy the worry/ care of your imagined audience?

anita