Also, that she suffered abuse by both of your parents. Was it physical abuse?

Yes, we both suffered from it, but she suffered way more. Maybe that’s why I cannot feel any resentment or any jealousy towards her. I know that she suffered and continues to suffer, she’s eleven years older than me. She’s seen more, she was hurt more, damaged more and she is way stronger than me. I respect her in that regard. It’s hard being alone in this world but she managed to run away from our house in her childhood and never came back.

When you said she was narcissistic, I thought she was spoiled and got what she wanted. But that’s probably not true – it seems she didn’t get much, even though she may be better at asking for it.

The fact that she has narcissistic tendencies makes her a hard person. But she wasn’t properly loved either. She was manipulated in her relationships more than me. She went through a lot of stuff, she had to stand still and she did so. I have never seen myself standstill, I always move with the wind and the wind takes me someplace else to hold on. If I cannot hold on to someone, I seek someone else.

But I also accepted that she cannot loves me, my mom in a natural way. Her narcissistic tendencies kind of prevent her from seeing us as independent individuals. She texts me, calls me only when she needs me. We weren’t brought up together and maybe that’s why we’re a bit distant.

It’s good you’re aware of that mechanism and that you made her aware of it too, even though she might not be willing to change…

She is nowhere near becoming willing to change and that scares me. I made her realize this that day but nothing has changed. She has this unhealthy coping mechanism where she forgets all about herself and devotes herself to the cats she has around. I like that she likes animals, I love them too, that’s my weak spot too. But she is beyond unhealthy. She is now about to end her second marriage and god knows what she might do, she is overly depressed, I’m concerned because I’m not well enough to try to make her better. And this could suffocate both of us. She’ll also face financial hardships if she broke it off, and she’ll have to find someplace else to live. Of course, she has two daughters, therefore two places to stay, she is getting older and older and it really scares me. On the other hand, I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

It has been hard, I feel alone and I distract myself with work. I see people moving on but I guess everybody is simply depressed these days.

I was alone when she met him, her current husband. I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her. There was an anonymous guy I met on the internet, never met him, and I even complained about this to him. I remember him pitying me. Then it took like a week for him to leave/ghost unannounced. We were children, it was okay. But It was a very weird experience for me. For the first time, I had somebody I could text with and I have heard some nice words. I was literally over the moon, I even remember forgetting everything cause I was daydreaming the whole time. He wasn’t that disrespectful I guess and he waited till my “big exam” was over. I was able to get a higher grade than normal because I was feeling happy.

I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms. Also, it’s my birthday and I didn’t expect to feel like this today.

I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.