i remember i once talked to an old lady, around 50, the place in which we talked was strange, it was online of course, she understood me and accepted me in a time where i was so alone, it was back in 2019, feels like forever to me, anyway, as we talked she mentioned that i should join Buddhism, because i don’t like to fulfil my desires, i thought about it, and didn’t see much trouble in such life, though i would suffer greatly because of my need for love and intimacy, though i wanted to remove such need, or at least make it less, so that i don’t be so desperate for it, there must be something wrong, needing it that much, maybe its that i don’t love myself ? another responsibility, another fear of not doing such responsibility, another guilt, and here i am, exactly what i wanted, very chill and relaxed, most of my days, don’t have my basic needs, but not much bothered about it, unless when the days i have GAD, then i begin to worry about the future, what’ve could done, what i didn’t already do, worry after worry after worry, a storm of bad feelings and thoughts, there is a lot of things im grateful for having in this life, that i might be able to have them if i didn’t had this life, my little sister, not only we understand each other, but know most of our qualities, we love each other, i like how she look at me, waking up and not having any responsibility, eating my favorite breakfast, slowly and at peace, while listening to piano music,  smoking in the roof, while listening to my favourite songs, thinking about life, and just taking my time, then getting down, with the possibility to do anything with my time, doing/not doing, without having any guilt or shame, that i must do something, without having the care for time, just living, going with the flow, not worrying, enjoying what i have, so am i miserable? maybe, but am i am contented with myself, at least when i don’t have GAD or any other problem, another thing is that finding someone like you anita, not only understand me, but love me, when i have my bad days, and i hear this voice “nobody will ever love you for who you are” i can remind myself, i have a proof now, that this is possible, to be able to keep this voice away, what i like about this love is that it doesn’t come from just anyone, no, it comes from a very wise and intelligent person, that’s why it has value, because the person knows me, i couldn’t ask for anything more.