Hi Anita and all,

Lately, I am having a set of complex emotions!

I find it difficult to remain positive about my current relationship. My boyfriend is a great guy. He cares for me and loves me. But sometimes, I just feel a disconnect. I am not sure where is the issue and how do I deal with it.

A little about my past. So, I have been in a few relationships and they didn’t go well. As always, the start of relationship is good So were they. There is an instance from my first relationship where I was dating this guy and believed that he would never cheat on me. We got into a fight when he visited me in my hometown as I was a little distant from him because a lot of people knew my parents. Having caught with this guy would have created a lot of problems for me back home. He didn’t talk to me for a week. I apologised to him so many times and tried explaining. We got better after a week but he would behave distant continuously. Could never feel the warmness from his end. After a year or so, we broke up. That was the worst phase of my life. One day, after 4 months, he texted me and we started talking again. While we were talking, he told me somehow that when we weren’t talking for 7 days, he started seeing someone else. And when we got back together, he broke up with that girl. And this really broke me. My belief system was complete shattered.

In my second relationship, the guy was really critical of me. He would consistently comment on my body weight, height ( I was quite shorter than him) and looks. He would tell me you are not beautiful but your nature is good.  That really affected me mentally. I became too insecure of myself and was not at all comfortable in my own skin. I felt ugly and irritated all the time. I introduced him to my girl friends that time. There was this one time in college when he was crushing on this girl who was in my friends group. But after 3 years we started dating. So, I never thought that there would be any problem with all of us hanging out together. But gradually I started seeing their rapport building and that really made me think otherwise. After we passed out, we would fight a lot because of that girl. Meanwhile, this guy blocked that girl and later called her and said that I told him to do this which wasn’t true. This affected my friendship with other girls badly. They stopped talking to me and this really affected me. I might even be depressed that time. A few of my friends still sometime tell me that it was because of me that that girl stopped talking to them which really hurts me. When all of this was happening, I got in touch with a guy and he really made me feel better about myself. This was when I and my bf were together. Although we went out a few times but that was it.  Nothing beyond that.

Now the issue that I face in my current relationship is I find it difficult to trust him. I feel scared that what if he talks to someone and falls for her. The other day we were just talking and he tells me that there are no girls in his team (work). I asked if he wants girls in his team to which he said it’s good to have a diverse team. He meant everything in a positive way but it’s me who’s not able to take anything positively I guess. Whenever, he doesn’t’t reply to me, I feel paranoid about what he might be doing. Yesterday, he said that he has a secret meeting. I asked him about it to which he said why do you want to know. I said like that only. Once he finished his call, he did tell me who was he on call with. I want to respect his privacy because he respects mine but don’t know how. While I am in that situation, I directly jump onto the conclusion that it might not or difficult to work between us. I am scared trusting him and myself. I really need some perspective on this.

Thanks,

Kate