I am working on quite a lot in therapy right now. Instead of the residential program, I am working with 5 different therapists lately. I have a trauma therapist, an art therapist, and a psychologist. I also am still working with our family therapist and the couple’s therapist. In addition to that, I am trying some body work, so far I have seen an osteopath and an acupuncturist. I would like to add an occupational therapist because I have been doing so poorly at fulfilling my day-to-day responsibilities.

The trauma therapy and the art therapy go very well together. For a few weeks in a row, I have done EMDR with my trauma therapist, then done a painting about that, and discussed it with the art therapist. It feels like a very efficient way to get at the heart of my issues. I did some very powerful work around my mother last week, and it really helped.

We are working on the self-love and self-acceptance, but it is slow going. It is also made harder by how bad my marriage is. My husband has been providing a lot of practical support, and I know that’s how how he expresses love. But I need a hug, I need someone to ask how I am, I need someone who can listen and focus while I talk. It is very hard for me to believe that I deserve to be loved and valued when my husband barely talks to me. I know I need to meet these needs myself before anyone else can, but it’s so hard to do it from inside a bad relationship.

I am working hard at healing, but it is slow and frustrating. I’ll feel like I’m doing better, only to crash again and find myself in despair. The manic phase was really disappointing, because I hadn’t had one in a long time, and I thought maybe I was done with that. It also gives me a false sense of well-being, so it feels like all the progress I thought I made was illusory.

Bipolar is a very hard illness to live with. My moods and my judgment get hijacked. My irrational decisions seem rational. The fact that I develop romantic obsessions makes it even worse – the part of me that gets the most intense around manic phases is such an intimate part of me, and honestly makes me wonder whether I’ve ever really loved anyone, or if it was all just manic obsession.

This last manic phase was quite intense, but I can’t deny that I got through it ok. The guy I obsessed about is a good friend who cares about me, and it was safe to trust him with my feelings. I needed something – to feel heard and valued, and he provided it. I didn’t run off to be with him or do anything really destructive.

I can see that things are getting a little better, but it is so slow and so painful. I have some support, but nothing feels like enough.

Thanks for listening.

Ilyana