Dear triss,

You’ve been with your partner for 8 years, married for 3 years, and it appears you’re starting to wake up now to what kind of person he really is. The last straw was when he hit you. It happened once and it prompted you to leave immediately (good decision, btw!).

You say you’re heartbroken, and it seems to me it’s because the illusion you had about him is crumbling now:

I thought he would get it – see that I left and take this seriously – profess his love and apologize and really. want to change – instead it’s been demands, anger, threats of suicide and more. There has not been an I love you or an I miss you – mainly attacks then “what was that brand you buy from the grocery.

You thought he’d realize how much he loves you, apologize and beg you to come back. But instead, you’re getting more of his anger, unreasonable demands and suicide threats.

You say you’re realizing that some of the things in your marriage and relationship were a lie, and that he has been lying to you:

I learn more every day – of the lies I have lived with about our marriage, wedding, relationship. There was no cheating – just lying about events, name calling and so on.

It seems to me that you’re waking up and realizing what kind of person he really is. It’s like you’ve lived in an illusion so far, and now your eyes are being opened. And I think a part of the reason you tolerated and perhaps haven’t even noticed his emotional abuse for so long, is that you believed you deserved to be treated like that.

You said you’re selfish, but didn’t explain in what sense you believe you’re selfish. If you believe there’s something wrong with you, you’ll be more likely to tolerate other people disrespecting you and abusing you.

I don’t know what I’m doing – I just know right now I am absolutely heart broken – and I just want to find my way back to myself – and purge this awful feeling out.

I understand this is very hard for you now. Yes, it would be important to find the way back to yourself. And I think it would help if you would explore how you are judging and condemning yourself, and thus making yourself a target for other people’s disrespect and abuse.