Dear Grace,

you said you were quite different in terms of temperament and character:

I suffer from anxiety and am quite reserved, he’s a bit of a livewire and adrenaline junkie, always getting up to certain stuff.

This doesn’t have to be a problem, but it can. For example, in my relationship I am more of a reserved, anxious person, whereas my husband is extrovert and open. But he’s not a social butterfly and doesn’t like large crowds, but prefers to spend his time at home (unless we go to trips etc). So we’re different in some aspects, but compatible in others, and it works.

If you’re more of a stay-at-home type, while he enjoys spending his free time with friends, partying etc, that could be a problem. Or if he likes adrenaline (perhaps he likes extreme sports where you’re afraid for his safety?), that too would be a big problem, because you being the anxious type would probably try to keep him home and safe with you, while he’d feel trapped and would miss excitement and adventure. I don’t know if this is the case with the two of you, but it’s a scenario in which two people aren’t really compatible, and their differences are too big for the relationship to work.

When he asked you “Do you really love me or did you like the convenience of having someone to live with so you wouldn’t be alone?“, what do you think he was referring to? How do you think he might have felt “unloved” by you? You say you felt unloved when he spent lots of nights online gaming, probably not paying attention to you as much as you would have wanted to. How do you think he felt unloved?

Was I really horrible? Should I reach out to him and apologise for anything I may have done to push him away? Was I a toxic person, did he have a lucky escape getting away from me?

I don’t think you’re horrible, or a toxic person at all. Part of the problem might be your incompatibility, and a part could be certain character weaknesses, on both sides. You said you felt lonely and sad when he was online gaming. Perhaps that means you feel unloved/unlovable unless he showers you with love all the time?

His character weaknesses might be that he wasn’t sensitive enough and didn’t have empathy for you, e.g. he told you to stop nagging him when you’d complain about too much house work, or he attempted to do small talk when you were in pain, after the breakup.

I think it’s definitely not just your fault, so try not to beat yourself up. Try rather seeing is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, get clear about your preferences and what kind of personality you prefer in a guy, and simply, try see it as a learning experience.