Dear Grace:

I didn’t spend much time on your thread yesterday and felt that I didn’t do a thorough job replying to you. I will try to do better today, and answer the questions you brought up: “Was I really horrible? Should I reach out to him and apologise for anything I may have done to push him away? Was I a toxic person, did he have a lucky escape getting away from me?”-

– if you have done him wrong, it looks like you greatly magnified the wrong, referring to yourself as “horrible” and “toxic”. There is no account of horrible or toxic behavior on your part (or on his part) in what you shared. In my reply to you yesterday, I assumed that (1) you did no wrong of significance, and (2) that he was not interested in a long-term relationship with you to begin with.

Today, I still think that you magnified your wrongdoings in the relationship, but I now consider that those wrongs were not insignificant. He told you: “stop nagging/ snapping at me, it’s making me unhappy”. You didn’t add that he was wrong saying what he said, which means that  you really did nag and snap at him, and this is a wrongdoing in the context of an intimate relationship, especially when it is done repeatedly.

“I suffer from anxiety and am quite reserved.. part. I got a bad online shopping addiction, and couldn’t pull myself away from my phone… We had stopped sleeping together as much, my libido had completely dropped” – anxious, reserved, stuck to your phone, no longer sleeping with him.. maybe that’s what he meant when he asked you: “do you really love me or did you like the convenience of having someone to live with so you wouldn’t be alone”, maybe he felt that he was not special to you, that the only benefit he provided to you was.. just being there physically, in the background, so that you are not completely alone.

You asked for advice. If you would like to let me know if I am partly or wholly correct in this reply, and elaborate on what I wrote here, please do and I will reply to you further with advice. Otherwise, I hope you feel better soon and I wish you well.

anita