Dear Luna:

1) In your original post, you wrote: “My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years”. In your second post, you clarified: “I have not been with this man for the last three years”.

In my view, it would be more accurate to say: My former boyfriend and I had a one-year relationship that ended 3 years ago. We never got together in those 3 years, but kept in touch long-distance.

2) You described your mental state before and now: “my depression problem was very severe… had family issues. Father issues.. I am dealing with PTSD and had sexual abuse when I was a child and family problems, chronic depression and anxiety. Due to financial problems, I have not resorted to therapy for a year, but I intend to start treatment again after moving for work”- If I was in your shoes, at 25 years old, I would focus on finding work, moving for work, and receiving professional treatment for PTSD, anxiety and depression. I would not consider any romantic relationship before I receive enough professional treatment.

3) You shared that you “no longer feel romantically attracted to him.. for several reasons”.  You then went on to say that he is “an extraordinary man, very kind, supportive and patient. He has most of the moral qualities I expect”, etc., and next, you listed at great length those several reasons for no longer feeling romantically attracted to him: “he tried to shut me up.. He has difficulty expressing his feelings…  He has a passive aggressive behavior… We have nothing in common… I like the noise, he is annoyed by loud sounds…. He eats a limited number of foods… When we want to video chat he wears his oldest T-shirt, which I hate…There were times when I waited for him to respond to my message, but he did not respond until the next day…”-

– It is as if you are in a courthouse on trial, accused for losing your romantic attraction to him, and you make a case for him (“He is an extraordinary man”, etc.), and a case against him (those many detailed reasons). Thing is, you are not accused by any legal authority of a crime, and you are under no obligation to justify your loss of interest in him. You are not obligated to resume an in-person romantic relationship with him, or any relationship of any kind with him, because you are not married to him, you do not have a child with him, you do not own property together, you don’t work for him or with him.

There is no reason.. to give reasons so to justify you losing your romantic feelings for him, no reason to build a case for him or against him: you are allowed to change your mind and heart about him.

“Do I have high expectations and am I ungrateful?”- you lost your romantic interest in him, and you don’t really like him much. That’s an adequate reason to not be in a romantic relationship with him. Having high expectations or not and being grateful or ungrateful is irrelevant to the issue.

“I do not know if the problem is with my depression”- that’s why I recommend that you don’t consider a romantic relationship with any man before you receive treatment that includes psychotherapy.

“All my friends tell me that I am very lucky to be with my boyfriend because he is a very good man”- what they tell you is irrelevant because if you get back with him, it will be you in his bed, you getting up with him and living your life with him, not your friends.

“Is it possible that if I get into a relationship with someone else, I will lose attraction after seeing their weaknesses and mistakes?”- sure it’s possible, but to have a romantic relationship with a man, you have to like him and appreciate him enough so to overlook his weaknesses and mistakes. From what you shared, you do not like or appreciate this particular man enough. You will be able to answer this question further yourself after adequate psychotherapy.

“I do not understand how I got from feeling in love to being like this”- feelings do not remain the same for anyone. Feelings naturally change. Millions and millions of people got from feeling in love to not.

“When he says that he loves me I say I love him too but I feel guilty for not knowing the truth about whether it’s true or not. I know that if he finds out about these thoughts, he will be very disappointed and heartbroken”- imagine living with him and experiencing this guilt every day, guilt and probably anger at him and at yourself. That would be a recipe for disaster, as far as your mental health goes.

“He was very supportive to me and did everything for my well-being when I was deeply depressed. I know he cares about his loved ones more than himself and he does not deserve what I think about him”- after you get settled and employed, and after you start receiving psychotherapy, if you still think that you owe him for his previous support of you, then talk to your therapist about offering him a sum of money as a payment for his past support of you. Don’t offer your mind and body as payment. He does not deserve that kind of sacrifice.

anita