Hi Anita,

I have thought a lot thru her eyes as well. I know how painful it was for her to be with a person like me who is so confused. I did not contact her back for the same reason. I tried to go away from her so many times in this 2 years for the same reason. But some or the other way we started talking again. Sometimes she started talking back and sometimes I. Last year we weren’t technically commited to a relationship as such. I spoke to her when I was completely hopeless and so distressed and badly wanted to talk to someone and she was ready to help. I couldn’t help it but I know that could be selfish of me and couple of times she initiated the talk after a break as well. This has been going on. I have thought about it many times was it a mistake I met her but I know deep inside that it was not a mistake. I had this bond with her that I haven’t had with anyone else and not sure if I will have after as well. It is a once in a lifetime bond and friendship I would say which happens with the closest and most compatible person according our characters. But why I think that it was a mistake sometimes is because of the baggage that I have been holding ever since the beginning this. But now after all the pain we have been thru, I have realised  these things happen and I need to ignore the baggage of the whole sister issue and keep that aside and look at the bright side , which is the feelings we have. It feels heavy sometimes with her because of my depression with myself. I feel depressed with myself when I am alone and most times and she is more like me. We have more in common. And as she is also more like me, I feel depressed sometimes when I am with her. It’s not a problem with her, it is a problem with me. It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening. I experienced this in February when I spent a week with her. Long distance relationship has distorted my feelings and mindset. But deep inside I couldn’t forget her. Past 2 years my parents have been showing me profiles of girls I could marry. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t able to proceed even when I was on a break with her. It’s been a little more than 2 months since we broke us now and still I am not able to proceed steadily with other profiles. My parents shared a good profile of a girl to me today and still my mind is the same. It has been this way even when I have not been talking to her. But I feel I have never worked on myself all these years which is one of the main reasons for my depression. I am working hard for the body building challenge to lift up my confidence and get some satisfaction. And I will also work on learning dance and also about starting a new side hustle or a business to see myself as a person and these things will improve my mental health I hope. My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment. That I didn’t do things I wanted to do. I wanted to get to my best physique since my school days but I procrastinated it for a decade and I wanted to dance well and do some stage performances but I didn’t. So all these things kept piling up and is one of the reasons for the depression. So I have a feeling that if I lift up these work on these, eventually I will be fine and happy. Now I don’t know if I will be able to forget her. It hurts to think about letting her go but I don’t know what to do.

I think I will get more clarity if I move away from my home and stay in a different city with friends around.