Hi Murtaza,

i like to say babies NEEDS love, not deserve it, deserving for me requires effort to the part that deserves, how else would you deserve it?

Alright, it wasn’t the best expression: a child needs love to develop properly. You didn’t get it. Perhaps you got conditional love, e.g. your mother was nice to you when you didn’t bother her, when you didn’t express you fears and your need for her love and care and soothing.

i refuse to put my needs at the mercy of other people, and i refuse to be controlled in order to get “love”, to change my values and goals just to pursue an idea

You don’t need to be at the mercy of other people. If you give love to your inner child, you’ll be “filled”, your basic emotional needs will be met. It’s like neutralizing the bad effects of childhood and upbringing, and building the capacity for happiness.

What I am telling you is that you don’t need to suppress the longing of your heart

Ofcourse i do, otherwise i will just need them obsessively, without having them

The true longing of your heart, as a child, was to be loved by your parents. You can fill that longing by being a loving, compassionate parent to your inner child.

You can start loving that anxious, fearful, lonely boy right now

Why did you assumed that i don’t? I already gave him what he want, a life that easy and doesn’t have much pain, he needs things that i can’t provide, things that outside of my control, and i only foucs on what under my control

I know you haven’t given him what he needs, because you believe the best option would be take your own life. A loved and cherished child wouldn’t think or feel that way.

What you actually said about your inner child is that you’re aware of him but you suppressed him (“i was aware of this persona for a whole 2 years, and i leaned that it must not get out, it will cause more pain, and it did, when i saw reality, how ugly it is, i accept this fact, that this persona should always stay hidden“). You’re not loving him by suppressing him. You’re not giving him an easy life by making him stay hidden, by telling him not to have feelings, or hopes or dreams.

he needs things that i can’t provide, things that outside of my control,

Actually, you can provide the love he needs. I told you how to do it: to accept him, acknowledge his needs, tell him you love him, that he’s welcome in your life, and that you will take care of him from now on. You can do that even without a therapist: you, the adult Murtaza, can be a loving parent to the little boy Murtaza. Instead of suppressing him. That would be the path to healing.

Because if you suppress him, you’re just deepening the childhood wound where he had to stay hidden, not to disturb your mother. You’re perpetuating the pain and misery. But if you embrace him, you’re healing his wounds, and as I said earlier, building the capacity for your happiness and fulfillment as adult.