Dear Murtaza:

“From now I will try to be as detailed as possible, and as short as possible”- if you meant that you will try to be as detailed, short and accurate and clear as much as you possibly can, I appreciate it, thank you.

“I didn’t remember the dreams, but only felt them, weird”- what did you feel, I wonder.

You wrote that you have “a strong need for truth”- I have a strong need to know the truth too, this is why accuracy and clarity are so important to me.

You shared that you are a full package, and that within this package is “a desire not to change”—>you have the desire to not change this desire (to not change).

If I respect you then (and for as long as your actions are not asocial, as I mentioned before), then I must respect your desire to not change. If I try to change you in any way, then I am disrespecting you.

“Imagine if someone has too much apathy, how could you blame him for not caring?”- I must not blame you for being apathetic.

“I believe even if I had the best life possible, that I still wouldn’t consider it worth it”- you are very committed to not change your mindset, so committed that even if you had the best life (according to your own standards of best life, I imagine)- you still wouldn’t change your mindset in regard to life not being worth living. I think that your commitment to not change is indeed very strong.

“I believe.. that every human action has a cause”- I agree… I did not understand your definition and explanation of the term free will. I am satisfied with my own understanding of the term and do not see the benefit in my suffering through trying to understand what seems to me too difficult to understand. There is no benefit in it for me because I am satisfied with my own understanding of the term, and there is no benefit in it for you because don’t want to change your understanding of the term.  And so, respectfully, I am abandoning the discussion on the term.

“There is more depths in the freewill subject, but I wanna end it here to see your response”- thank you, my response is right above.

“I think that people see what I’m currently in as a (phase) and that they all got through it, it  underestimate my suffering… I hate when someone underestimate my suffering, especially when comparing…  they have a normal thinking brain, less apathy, a desire to change”-

– As I understand it, you are not in a phase (a phase means change is to come); you have a strong desire and commitment to not change. You hate it when someone compares their suffering to yours because their suffering was not as bad or unique as yours: your suffering has been so unique/ abnormal that it has led to your unique/ abnormal extent of apathy and desire to not change.

“Nice people? True, can they help  me? False, is their help appreciated? Nope, because it only makes me mad or frustrated, or guilty, I won’t lie and say thank you, the best I can do is ignore them, the worse is to answer them in a passive-aggressive way”- I don’t understand why you (appear to) ask people for help and engage in discussions with them when the result frustrates you and makes you feel guilty. I brought this up to you before, but your answer did not lead me to understand. (If you try to explain this to me, please try to make your explanation much easier to understand than your explanation regarding the term free will)

“I wonder if you want to criticize me what would you say? (Anything allowed of course, and don’t think if its hurtful, I can take it)”- I don’t know. I don’t have anything particular in mind. I am glad you care to not hurt other people/ to not be asocial. Keeping this in mind, I can’t think of anything to criticize you for. Oh, one thing maybe: one of the members who posted in your thread, Zeeza- I’ve been communicating with her for almost 4 years, and when I wrote to you earlier “people reaching out to you with a pure heart”- I was thinking about her. I think that she deserve a thank you from you, for meaning well and for posting to you with zero arrogance. Also, I could tell by her post that she spent a good amount of time and effort so to make her post clear and thorough.

About arrogance, you wrote: “It’s only a mask to hide the low self esteem or other things, I believe that some of my arrogant comes from that, since I have this really low self esteem”- in my experience of reading your writings to me and to other members, you come as strong and confident, never submissive, which leaves a flavor of a high self esteem in my brain.

“I never thought I would be called healthy lol, thank you for the temporary confidence boost lol”- you are welcome!

anita