UPDATE: Yesterday was a really rough day.  Not sure why yesterday was especially bad, but it was.  Part of me felt like I was losing it.  My heart was racing, I had hot and cold sweats, and could not seem to stop my negative thinking.  My girlfriend was incredibly supportive.  She called me in my morning and could tell I was struggling.  I was able to somewhat calm down.  Around 2 pm my time (3 am her time) she called me again and I immediately began crying.  She did her best to comfort me.  She told me to take a shower and call her after.  I did and when we started talking again I broke down crying yet again.  I had not ate all day so she asked me to eat.  After I did I told her she should get to sleep.  We talked again around 7 pm my time.  We had a virtual date scheduled.  We watched a recorded church service together and I cried profusely for the first 15-20 minutes.  I actually felt better after that emotional release.  We watched the rest of the service and then talked for about an hour after.  She congratulated me on making it through the day.  She knew how rough the day was for me.

My dad called me in the evening.  He is another big supporter, but he at times says things that make me feel worse.  Last night he said he knows I am going through a difficult time.  Then he said he knows I am a lot stronger.  I know he means well, but that statement made me feel like as if I am not strong right now.  Somewhere on TinyBuddha, I do not remember where, I read a quote about how people with mental illness are incredibly strong.  The quote made the point that people with mental illness have to be strong just to do things that “normal” people take for granted.  I will not deny that over the past couple weeks I have felt incredibly weak at times.  I am trying to remind myself that what I am dealing with is real and that it takes strength just to deal with it day in and day out.

Today I got together with a friend of mine.  She is going through a very difficult job search as well.  We met at a coffee shop.  At the beginning of our conversation I felt panicky.  My heart was racing and I did not feel comfortable.    I immediately told her about yesterday and how much I struggled.  We ended up talking for about 3 hours, sharing our struggles and things we are trying to make our own situations better.  I thanked her for the conversation and told her it was the first time I felt “normal” in a while.

The weird thing is when I got home I began to feel a bit panicky again.  I meditated a couple of sessions before getting together with my friend and did another session when I got home.  The meditation seems to provide a temporary reprieve from my depression and anxiety.  I have been listening to loving kindness meditations.  I might try to meditate again before getting to sleep to see if that helps with my sleep problems.

That is it for this update…Thank you everyone again for listening.  It is helpful just to put what I going through out into the world.  This site and you all are an invaluable resource.

Richard