Hi Anita,

Holidays are kind of strange for me…i dont know what to do. Im really a workaholic because spare time is not something i have enjoyed in years.even when with the bf i ended up working for him too.

I guess yes, you can see it that way about younger relationships. while i had sad moments, breakups and difficulties, it was nothing like it has been now. I had no difficulty in meeting people because i fit in more easily. I feel very much that me not having kids has made me an outcast, I guess thats a separate issue! I had no desire to be a mother…and struggled with this for many years, its sometimes unfair that you feel your own body (feelings) is defying you, making life harder for you. I feel certain that if i had a child, i would be more accepted in the culture i live in now. Children are in fact, the glue for many relationships that otherwise would not be or for some, it brings people closer together…i missed out that part.

Some people get angry when things dont work out, dust themselves off and find another partner (my sister), others cry for a bit and then try meeting people again, and again (my friend). After this last relationship…i felt a block like an actual wall when i tried to make contact with another person,..it seems the fear was so bad that I didnt even want to say “hello” expecting that 2- 5 years down the line i would end up back on my own again.  So i didnt want to even try the first step.

Ive realised slowly that there are other issues that sit underneath trying to make a relationship work as it is really more about how you want to live your life and it seems i must be really different to other people in what drives me. But getting to the answers has been really difficult for me, i cant seem to find definition to what i want and who i am. Im just resigned to the fact that im much more messed up than i ever thought!

I think the lack of clarity leads and manifests into physical problems too. Over years now, i feel generally very tired all the time, i rarely feel energy. My mind is the big wheel and my body limps along behind. Now that i have developed some problems in my back and leg…i feel very much how my mental state has affected my body. Living alone, there is no one nagging me to get anything done or to stop obsessing…i just do what i do with no mirror. There are some benefits to have a partner to keep you in check. As long as they genuinely care of course.