Dear Murtaza:

I ended my last post to you with “It is good talking to you this Sunday morning!”, and you asked: “What about other days”? Well, since you asked, I will tell you how I felt since I posted to you Sunday morning, July 11, all the way to now (And by the way, I didn’t read all of your recent post, at this point):

After posting to you yesterday I felt very good, just like I told you. Then I took a walk in nature and I replayed what I wrote to you in my mind, as I walked. I remembered that I wrote to you that I believe that it is important to you to be true to yourself. Next, I thought that maybe you will argue with me on that point, saying that I misunderstood. Next, I felt angry and frustrated, wondering if I should not say anything at all to you about you, no matter what. Fast forward to this morning, I saw that you posted, but I did not want to read what you posted until after I reply to everyone else because I suspected that you will be arguing with me, and I didn’t want to feel the frustration I expected to feel.

At this point, I will read the rest of your recent post to see if my suspicion came true… I just read it all, and no! You did not argue with me. What a relief. I think that I am argument-phobic, at this point, and that it has to do with growing up with a mother who often argued with me, repeating her message to me that my thinking/ my understanding is wrong (while promoting her unintelligent and/ or insane, and constantly shifting thinking as the correct thinking and understanding).

So, now I feel relieved and I  just noticed that I also feel tired.

“When I think about your life, I see a young girl, suffering from loneliness, alone.. When I try to visualize this, I put myself inside that girl mind, I can see why you wanted to help people online. From my pov, its because you don’t want for people to suffer like you did, you didn’t had internet back then (I suppose?) And you were all alone, so you didn’t want this to happen to all people”-

– I read this part before I started my reply to you, and I felt very good about it, the thought of you .. retroactively caring to think what’s inside the girl-anita’s mind-  makes me feel affection for you, and it brings this small smile to my face right now.

Your POV is correct: I am attentive to what people share on these forums, often repeating to them what they shared, not only because it helps me processing information, but also  for the purpose of letting people know that they are heard, that someone is hearing them, and so, they are not terribly alone. This is also the reason behind me answering everyone as soon as I can (exceptions exist), so that they don’t feel unheard. It all stems from my experience as a child and a teenager: unheard. It was as if I screamed but no one heard.. as if my screams, literal or figurative (my intense fear and anger and excruciating frustration, shame and guilt) were silent, no one saw me, no one heard me, no one.. no one there.

And no, there was no internet back then.

“In here, I am truly inferior in other people eyes.. when I tell people about my life, they immediately see me inferior (because I don’t work, no social life, etc.)”- and within the people who do work and have social lives, those who make more money and/or have prestigious jobs, etc.,  are considered superior to the others, aren’t they. The Superior category is not homogenous: many within it are considered inferior and/ or feel inferior.

“What it comes to my mind is that, anyone who feel he can help you  that he can advice/ teach you (mostly)feel a bit superior”- yes, mostly. And on the topics for which original posters in these forums ask advice for, when members replying allege to have a superior mental health- that allegation should never be accepted without question, no matter how.. impressively healthy a member replying sounds on a particular reply, or on a series of replies on a particular day. It takes reading a replying member’s replies over a long time to get a feel for that member’s mental health status.

“So its more like having no bad feelings then actually having good feelings? I wonder how would you define happy”- I think that it was something like this: a bird is caught in seaweed that is wrapped around her wings and body, she can’t move, she can’t fly. The drug I took did something similar to dissolving all that seaweed and the bird found herself free for the first time in the longest time, so she soars up into the sky and flies, nothing is hindering her, nothing is in her way.. happy.

“I wonder if you ever felt like that again?”- no, but sometimes I felt close to it, not very close, but closer.

“Makes me feel bit sad for that young female”- thank you. This is your empathy for me= it is you hearing my past suffering.

anita