Dear Murtaza:

This post will be particularly spontaneous on my part. I am committing to not edit this post, so whatever word I type (unless misspelled)- I will not change. Also, I will respond to one part of your post and after that read another part attentively and respond to that part (like I did before).

* I wrote to you that in my communication with you, I am somewhat flying, and you wrote: “I wonder why? I have some assumption to why, but I don’t like to assume stuff when I can simply ask the person“- the first thought I had when I read what you wrote here, quoted, was to tell you that you are brilliant, brilliant in capital letters. In my mind, you are brilliant! The next thought was/ is: this is why I shared my last post with you and with no one else, meaning I had you in mind, talking to you (I know this is a public forum). Anyone else, everyone else would have made assumptions, assumptions that would have terribly annoyed me and cause me to regret I ever shared this stuff. (Perhaps almost everyone else).

Not being hindered by untrue/ partly true assumptions.. I am able to fly! When burdened by untrue assumptions, the bird is too heavy to rise up into the air and fly.

* I wrote to you about my childhood fantasies of being famous, dancing, singing, acting in front of audiences of millions, and you wrote: “I think this desire comes from the unmet needs of this young female, to be seen and acknowledged, to be important in the eyes of people, to be loved“- true. This need was extremely unmet, so the fantasies were about this need being met to the extreme.

“you are kinda famous here, and you are liked by the members (I suppose?), but its only because you help them (another assumption), not because you are you, you want more then that(another assumption)– here your assumptions are not completely true, they are partly true and partly not. But I am not annoyed because you stated “another assumption”, and you asked: “I suppose?”. You presented an assumption for me to consider, accept or reject. (I must remember this when I communicate with members, to not be too confidant in regard to my assumptions).

“you are kinda famous here“- not true. When I turned on the computer this morning, you are the only member who posted. When members post, most I think search the internet for the topic that bothers them and they somehow find the website- nothing to do with me. There is no such thing as scores of people looking for my thoughts and advice. So, no I am not famous here or anywhere.

“you are liked by the members“- I doubt it. Sometimes, maybe. Not liked by others. When members express appreciation for me, I like that very much, sometimes. But I know that some members are polite and gracious and their compliments are a matter of style, not a matter of spontaneous sincerity.

“it’s only because you help them (another assumption), not because you are you, you want more then that” – About helping members, I am even less optimistic than I am about being liked by members. It is very, very.. very difficult to help members who suffer from serious mental/ emotional problems in any context, including in a professional setting. Of course it is .. extremely difficult to do in this setting- even if I was a professional, it would have been extremely difficult, or better say- improbable. Members who live in an abusive situation- after reading my posts, or while reading- they are still in those abusive situations. They need someone to walk into their home and help them out. Online advice is impotent. Otherwise, at times I help members feel better, but that is all: feel better for a little while.

About wanting more- to be understood, comes to mind, to not be argued against, for someone to be on my side.. to not be alone anymore. This is what comes to mind.

* “I feel like the word ‘compliment’ has been used to mean ‘saying nice things to people even if its not true’, but I’m guessing you know that I don’t do that (lol)“- I was aware of the topic when I wrote to you, and I even verified the definitions online: flattery is a word that suggests insincere compliments. The word compliment does not suggest insincerity. At the time I wrote to you yesterday, when I chose compliment and not flattery, I suspected that maybe I was receiving flattery from you, but I put this suspicion away as not-likely enough to consider at this time.

* In my last post to you I wrote that you are brilliant, and you replied: “Thank you, just to be sure (lol) do you mean overall or there is something specific? Just to know what I did to get this compliment (lol)“- I mean extremely intelligent, in my experience, exceptionally intelligent. You are able to see through a person, to remove a person’s pretenses and arrogance and expose what’s inside. I noticed this not only in your communication with me, but with others.

* In response to my sharing about being hit on the face, you wrote: “This actually makes me sad, a bit frustrated, because this happened to you, and that I can’t change it, that it’s outside of my control, to hear this abuse without having power to do anything. Sometimes, when I remember my loneliest time, I would imagine there is a person with me, and he comforts me, holds me, have you ever had such thoughts? What was the scenario I wonder? (again, skip if its too personal)“- thank you for offering that I skip it, this offer indicates that you are gentle, not only brilliant but also gentle (which is brilliant in itself).

I can’t tell you how many times years ago, when I talked to people irl about my mother, their response was about her, about what made her hit me, that she was sick or whatnot. Their response was not about me. Those responses burdened me further. You didn’t respond that way. I didn’t read yet the rest of  your reply, and I so hope you will not shift your attention from me to ..my mother.

Thank you for your attention to me in that scenario and your empathy. As to your question: when I was alone with her, or better say, when she was around, I don’t think that I was able to imagine there being another person with me- she wouldn’t have allowed it, not in real life and not in my imagination. She was too loud, too intrusive, too violent. When she was not there, when I was alone, it was then that I imagined someone with me: I remember that as a teenager I imagined love stories where I was together with a male fantasy figure. Unfortunately, because of her violence, physical touch is often associated with something bad, it alarms me, makes me angry. But there were times when nothing felt better than a hug, to be held.

* “I would imagine that even thinking of this is a bit taboo, that your mother, the best mother in the world, that has no husband, and yet works for her only child, provides for her, so whenever you thought she is the problem, you would feel guilty of that thought, your logic and mind made you feel guilty and ashamed, “how dare you even think of that?” The thing is, that mothers are highly valued in society, doesn’t matter if they are bad“- I agree with every word, couldn’t have said it any better. Your reply is going so well so far, I still dread just a bit that “mothers are highly valued in society, doesn’t matter if they are bad”- that this attitude will not show up in the rest of your post. This societal attitude.. reminds me when she screamed and hit me at night, I couldn’t understand why the neighbors were so quiet, none interrupted what was happening, ever. The attitude was that if it’s her child, she is allowed to do as she pleases.

This is a very long post, I am processing it bit by bit, no editing, no erasing. I hope you are okay with this.

* I wrote to you about the conflict/ mental torture/ internal fight within me, and you wrote: “I would guess that at first and for a long time, she would win, but when you started to not care about her, to not value her that much, the conflict get less and less“- for the longest time I didn’t care, or so I thought, I was extremely angry at her, I hated her. I think that it helped me survive, but I was very troubled all along, and the conflict remained to this very day, it is only recently that it is less, and in this very post, I am trying to lessen it even more. It is this very conflict that hinders me more than anything else. A voice within me, a societal/ normie voice says: she is your mother, she was a good mother, you are making things up, you are lying, you.. you.. you are the problem, a bad girl, disloyal to her mother.

* I wrote to you that she repeatedly threatened to kill herself, and you replied: “I would imagine that you loved her even if she was bad to you, and that you blamed yourself for that, she blamed you even“- she blamed me at length, built arguments against me, pointing to what I said/ didn’t say, do/ didn’t do in the previous month, let’s say, and how those things were part of an evil plan I had all along, for the whole month, to bring her to a boiling point.. (how crazy it is to think that a child was interested in bringing her mother to a boiling, violent point, yet that was her detailed accusation).I knew at the time that her detailed accusations were not true.. but it was the emotional experience, not the (nonsensical) intellectual experience that was so terrible- to see, hear, feel ALL THAT ANGER directed at me. Her anger was convincing, not her explanations.

“I would imagine that you loved her“- she murdered my love for her, and then, my love for her resurrected as the “living dead” from that movie- is my best image of my love for her: a love-corpse moving around clumsily, making strange grunting sounds.

* I wrote to you that she said it was something I said, etc. You replied: “How did you feel back then? What was your response? I would imagine you being afraid of talking, you being afraid of just existing next to her, that even if you don’t talk, she will blame you for it“- I felt fear, dizzy, weak, cognitively disorganized (wording I didn’t have then), angry, tired, scared. She was big and angry back then, she had big, strong hands, I was short and thin, she was loud, she said: I’ll kill you, I’ll break you into many small pieces (translated)- I didn’t want that pain, of course.. I wanted to hit her back, I don’t remember.. scared and angry, I would say.

* “She is very narcissistic I see, she not only controlled your action, she even wanted to control your thinking“- thank you for the anger I perceive in this sentence, anger at her.

* Next thing you wrote: “I am very sorry anita. I feel both hate and anger towards the person who did this to you, and empathy and affection for you“- I was right! You did feel anger right above. Thank you. It just occurred to me as I put that “.” after the “Thank you”- that I .. (I am searching my memory), I don’t think any person in my life, ever, expressed anger at my mother except for you, particularly in the context of her interactions with me.

I was always alone with my anger toward her.

Even the great therapist I had 2011-2013, I don’t remember anger in him, anger at my mother for how she treated me. All I got in my life was people feeling empathy for her.. no empathy for me, or at the most, I got empathy for me and for her. No one took my side against her.

And at this point (I am still typing spontaneously, no editing other than grammar in your quotes and spelling in my typing)- I really hope that there is no empathy for her in the remaining of your post, which I didn’t read yet… I just did, impatient, not wanting to take more time- good, yes!!! No empathy for her- THANK YOU!

Now, I will re-read my post to you, not edit anything, and then write my concluding thoughts for now…

I am back (still not editing)- I wrote earlier that her anger at me was convincing, ANGER in capital letters… All along, to this very point in my life, none of the irl people, aunts, uncles, cousins, sister.. none of my family members expressed anger at her. As I just wrote “my family members”, I wanted to correct it to “her family members”- because they were on her side, never against her, or better say: some were angry at her, there were fights between them, but NONE, EVER was angry at her for how she treated me. Neighbors and acquaintances are included. When I finally complained to people who didn’t know her about how she treated me- they too did not express any anger at her. Fast forward all the way to my therapy ten years ago- he also did not express anger at her for the way she treated me.

And so, I was uninterruptedly alone feeling anger at her. To add to it: people criticized me for being angry at her. The normie attitude is: thy shall  not be angry at your mother, and if you are angry- forgive, let it go, move on.. now!

I needed, looking back, someone to come in that small apartment were I lived, and get angry at her, ANGRY. The absence of anger validated the thought that she did nothing wrong. It made me doubt that anything wrong was done.. for if it was Wrong, how can it be that no one is Angry?..

This is what you did for me in your recent post: you did something that I don’t remember to have ever been done before- you took my side against her, getting angry at her.

You wrote some time ago that my reply was satisfactory for you. Your reply is very satisfactory to me. Thank you, a lot. I hope all this will be absorbed in me, it takes time. This has been a long post. Feel free to not respond to everything I wrote, to choose this or that and reply to those things, if you choose to reply further (I never take a reply for granted).

anita