Dear canary,

you’re welcome. I think I know where you’re coming from: you sincerely care for him and would like him to be his best self, not necessarily for you, but for himself – to have as happy and fulfilling life as possible. It’s normal and understandable to feel like that towards the people we love and care about.

The problem is when we see a potential in our partner and want to change them, because how they are at the moment isn’t acceptable to us. I’ve been with people in whom I saw a potential and wanted to “save” them, and it didn’t end well. It never does. As you yourself say, we can’t force anybody to change, and it’s really futile and even counterproductive to be in a relationship with someone whom we cannot accept the way they are at the moment. It’s much more fair to never enter such a relationship, or to step away, as you did.

The problem for you is to how to let go of hope, since hope you say is holding you back. I think you should let go of the attachment to him changing. Because it seems a part of you is still attached to the idea that he would change and then you’d be happy together. You can still hold a vision of him being his best self (you can even pray for that, if you’re religious), but you let go of the attachment that he would change and fulfill you. That way you free yourself to live your life independent of him and his decisions, and yet you can still feel love and care for him, by holding a positive vision for him, but without any expectations.

How do you feel about this?