Hi Sarah,

“So what would you say are your disabilities? What aspects of every day life are hard for you? Are they learning disabilities or trauma based or both? Do you have anxiety or depression?”

I have anxiety being out in a crowded space, interacting with strangers. Simple things as going to see the doctor, or go to groceries are taking so much energy out of me I tend to avoid them. I am also scared of phone calls, especially when they are formal and administrative. I freeze and my brain has a hard time functioning well in presence of a perceived authority.

I also feel anxiety when my friends are asking me to hang out. The kind that makes me apprehend before, be on edge when I’m out and need time to recover after I went out. I always felt like refusing/avoiding going out with my friends, but I learnt to say yes anyway since they are not bad people. If I said no every time I had anxiety at the idea of going out, I would probably never be out at all. So I am able to go despite that, it is just very difficult, and the perspective of that being my daily life again, while I know I was able to do it when going to school, doesn’t make me want to go on with life.

When I am at home, I don’t feel anxiety, unless it is triggered by my mother or a visitor. The latter isn’t a common occurrence, as we have a tacit rule of not inviting people home. I can be a bit jumpy though, at home or outside, sometimes I am just tense and my body reacts like I’m being attacked for no logical reason, even when I know I am safe. I noticed it as something unusual as I was at college, I felt silly to be so jumpy around people and a place I had no reason to be. I don’t remember if I was always like that but never noticed before.

I don’t think I have specific learning disabilities, as my school grade were mostly correct, but I have focus issues due to my anxiety. I have a hard time listening and gathering information when a stranger is giving them to me, or be able to process/react accordingly. It makes me slow, and more anxious. I had unprecise negative feedback about my efficiency when I tried doing temporary work at a factory, so I probably didn’t fit well because of that. Honestly, I can’t even consider jobs that require actual social interactions with customers AND coworkers. Coworkers are already too much of a worry for me.

For my seemingly depressive phases, they come in phases, during those my energy jar is lower, I feel like sleeping/resting despite having just woken up in the morning. I have a harder time gathering motivation for my usual chores and work. Though, phase or not, I usually have a hard time taking care of myself and my environment. More often than not it is a struggle to achieve all my daily chores without feeling like giving up halfway. I keep trying, but I feel bad when struggling with those. My low energy/motivation seems like laziness, yet I know I’m putting more effort I was able to years ago and I had made progress. It just doesn’t seem enough.

“What does a typical day look like for you?”

I woke up early, usually before the rest of my family (except my mother sometimes), and I eat my breakfast peacefully. It is an important ritual for me, I like a quiet peaceful morning. Sometimes my mother will join me, thankfully she’s usually in a good mood during the morning and wants a positive interaction with me. I give it to her, as I don’t mind her when she’s not awful. Most of the time, though, I’m alone and I like that.

After that, I try to work, unless I am in a bad mood or end up distracted. I like working in the morning when I have a full day ahead. If I have a successful work session it gives me energy and a good mood for the day. If not, I know I can still try again in the afternoon.  I usually stop working because I have to make lunch. I try to do other chores as I go around lunchtime but I am only able to do so when someone isn’t distracting me around. It is more difficult to work on chores when my family is around being noisy.

The work of the afternoon is a bit depending on my energy level, if I can’t go at it I well rest before I work, if I can I’ll try working until I’m tired/interrupted. After that, I just relax and see if I feel like working more after.

That being said, when I am in a depressed phase my work time isn’t that clear, I procrastinate and I can be grateful for managing to get chores done.

I don’t do weekends and vacations. I struggle with those kinds of schedule. Because when I’m able to be on a motivated/productive phase I feel frustrated to stop and focus on something else. I can be very obsessive when I am in a good work dynamic. And when I don’t manage to be productive I am frustrated with that and want to keep trying until it works.

“How often do you interact with your mother and father?”

I only interact with my mother for practical stuff, except when she wants to talk to me personally, but those talks aren’t a daily thing. My father died when I was 14, I don’t miss him. I interact more with my siblings than my mother.

“Lastly, what art do you do or are trying to do professionally?”

At the moment, I am trying myself at scriptwriting. And possibly hoping to get also some money done as a freelance illustrator. I am intending to try myself at making a webcomic after I finished writing my current project. Or, if I find out this medium doesn’t fit I can still go back to more traditional writing as I used to do when I was younger.

I have several strings to my bow, and I am flexible with my possibilities. I just know that :
– I need to tell stories (this is where I find the most meaning and entertainment, stories are everything to me)
– I kind of need drawing/painting (for a relaxing purpose more than something else, it is less fulfilling than writing but it’s part of my meditation and I’m skilled enough to do something out of it)

“What are things you like to do?”

I like to read/watch stories, to listen to podcast/interviews/videos as I draw (listening to something helps me to stay focus longer, and I like being educated and listeneing to people). I feel alive when I’m staying stimulated and challenged, like creating and solving problems. So when I need something I enjoy figuring out how to do it myself. Like sewing, web programming…

Whether it’s for practical sake or just for the curiosity/challenge. Present me a new craft/art form and I’m like a kid in a candy store. Now I know what I want to do though, I’m trying to stay focus on my current project. Trying to keep myself reasonable, disciplined and everything.

“I’ve become my own best friend. […] I have no one really to turn to as a support system like friends or family for deep stuff. It’s lacking in my life too. But I do things that I like each day. I do stuff I enjoy. I live MINDFULLY. I took myself to Barnes and Nobles the other day, wrote a letter to my inner child then cried in the bathroom. I came out and read some self help books and felt relief. I had no one to share this moment with but I knew that I was developing a sense of self out of the madness. I was becoming more authentic and real with who I am and what I strive for, BECAUSE I know what it’s like to be without love or support. I am alone but not lonely now. Solitude has become my friend.”

I am glad you found your way to turn solitude and yourself into your friends. It sounds like such a relief. You have come a long way. It is nice. Our own company is enjoyable when we’re treating ourselves as a person, and when we’re taking care of ourselves, doing what we’re meant to be.

I think the thing that keeps alive the loneliness for me, is that I wish I was able to share my happiness with people. When I am alone, I more likely to be relaxed and happy. When I am with people, I am more likely to be cautious and sad, or anhedonic. It is unfortunate, because I see people enjoying themselves with other people, making them happy, and I wish I was able to make people happy too.

“So something crazy happened to me recently. You know the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne? I emailed her team a sad email like “Why is there suffering in this world?” Well I got a personal response from Rhonda herself. […]  I have bipolar and she said her daughter has a mental illness too. She gave some encouraging words and I got to tell her my views on life and God. So…you never know who you’re going to meet! […] I got insights from that moment that I was able to put into an email once I received Rhonda’s when I got home that day. It was in synch in a way- my thoughts from the day at the beach and the opportunity to reply to an email from her personally.”

I didn’t know of this one, I’m adding it up to the pile. I am glad you were able to get a response and encouragement from her! The world is really surprising when we try to reach out. Sometimes, the universe can align so well, but it is also because you have given the universe the opportunity for it to reach you back. You took a step and were rewarded.

“Here’s what I thought of that day- I am not the only one who feels this way. Everyone is struggling in someone. We are all linked, all connected by our human experience of suffering.”

It makes sense, suffering is everywhere. We are all challenged one way or another, life is full of hardship we can bond over when we share them. Though, from my experience, it feels sort of alienating when you have suffering experiences that aren’t shared and understood by people around you. Not everyone will have the same wounds, and communication can be difficult.

But we don’t have to belong with everyone to find people we can be connected to.

“I do believe it is possible for you to get out of this situation. I do believe that life has more to offer you.”

I do believe though, as you said, that life has more to offer to me. And that I have also more to offer to life.

“I know she’s in therapy but narcissists can manipulate therapists pretty easily. But it’s good she’s going at all. If you could write an unsent letter to your mom and dad, what would it say? Maybe make that your project this week. (You can share it here if you want to but don’t have to.)”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure her constant lying and masking don’t help her therapy. But, well, better than nothing.

I wouldn’t have much to say to them. I would say I am sorry their life hurt them badly enough that they rathered choosing an escape instead of healing. That I wished they had a better environment, in which they would have had access to better support, and built a better resilience.

I wish they didn’t have to hurt people to feel better. I would thank them for the moment they were good, for the love they gave us even if they also killed it. I wouldn’t forgive them for the way they hurt us, but I would say I am thankful I was able to learn from their mistakes. It didn’t go to waste. I would promise them I will not walk onto their path, and will try to be happy. I wonder what kind of people they would have been, if they had access to therapy and healing. But we will never know.

While I keep standing by the fact they hurt us and it shouldn’t be forgotten/brushed off, and I wanted them gone from my life if they stayed like that, I will still try to remember the few good things we shared. It is only fair, as they weren’t entirely bad. I’m not spending time resenting or missing them though, because I am too busy healing from the wounds they left on me for caring more than that.

“Keep therapy searching. It’s taken five years for me to find someone who gives good feedback. so I guess it’s hard out there. Try it anyway. I got some good meditations from a therapist. […]”

Thank you for the advice, it seems helpful to be able to ‘cast away’ the worries/negative feelings for later without actually burying them. It seems like a healthy way to not be invaded but without letting them untreated forever.  Thank you also for the meditation, I will search more when I’ll feel in need of them.

“I love your openness to receiving advice and how responsive you are. I mean you are ON IT. For someone who is feeling held back in life, you have such a strong will. This tells me you are ready to heal. You are ready for life to change. You are ready for life to change you.”

Thank you. I am still trying, for now. I am still very held back, but I want to try to change. I am still overwhelmed by all that trying though. It seems to be taking a lot of my energy, and I am a bit worried about that. I might be doing it wrong.

“It’s beautiful that you’re chasing your dreams. We can’t know where that will lead us but it’s a very brave step. I’m proud of you.”

Thank you. No matter where that will lead us, I want to have tried to go for what feels good and right. If it doesn’t work, at least I will not have to drown under the thought I didn’t try everything that was in my power to not only survive but learn how to live. Surely I’ll be more resilient because of that, even if I fail, my self-esteem should get a bit better. I believe we always come out with a gain when we invest ourselves into something. It might not be what we aimed for, but new experiences shape us. And those we chose are even more meaningful.

“You deserve love. A love that is warm and enveloping and open and honest. You deserve someone to uplift you and tell you how wonderful you are. You deserve friendships you can share your deepest hopes and dreams and fears without shame. You deserve a mom and dad who save you, not scorn you. You deserve it. We all do”

Thanks. I am getting a warm feeling when I am reading this forum, I am glad this place exists. It is so strange yet so good. And I’m very grateful for the thoughtful, caring responses you provide. And I agree, we all deserve it. I wish there were more people thinking like this in this world, there would be less suffering and more soothing. But this is why we’re trying to heal, right? To be able to share love and good things with the people instead of repeating the negativity and the hurt we received.

“Ask yourself, “What am I here for? What is my purpose?” It’s not what you do but who you are that matters. It’s not if you have a conventional life but a life of conviction. Can you live such a life? A life that you choose?”

Since I came to the conclusion I could not live a life I didn’t choose and stay sane/good, hopefully I will be able to live a life I have chosen. Or will go down trying. We’ll see.

I will not pretend I know myself enough to be certain of what I am here for or what is my purpose. I am always discovering more as I am discovering life. So I will stay on the general statement I am here to pursue what is calling me and feels right for me, what makes me more resilient, and stronger to the unavoidable suffering life got coming for us. Maybe strong enough to bring some good into this world as I go, or at least to not add more suffering.

“I’m going to reread Man’s Search for Meaning too. “

Do not hesitate to share your thought on this book as you reread it then.

I wish you well,

Linarra