Dear Natie,

thanks for clarifying. If he was at first supportive of you going to the UAE, but then suddenly started accusing you of being selfish, it’s not a mature behavior, and it’s actually manipulative.

Perhaps he was conflicted in himself: a part of him supported you in your career goals (his rational, adult part), but another part (a child part) resented you for traveling to another country and leaving him on his own. It could be that his vulnerable, needy child part got stronger after his father’s death, and this made him even more afraid, needy and dependent on you (and  more in need of soothing and comforting too).

Perhaps when he complains, it’s his fear speaking, but he doesn’t want to admit it – he rather withdraws and suppresses his feelings, and then later accuses you of being selfish. But based on what you say, it seems that he too is selfish because he is speaking from his child part, which only cares about his own needs to be met. This part doesn’t care about you or your needs. It also seems to me that he is swaying between his adult part (e.g. when he understands your reasons or when he apologizes for hurting you) and his scared, needy child part (when he is accusing you).

If he isn’t willing to look deeper at his own issues, then there’s no point in forcing the relationship, because you’re definitely not the only one to blame, and he would need to take his part of the responsibility.

you are right , i always seek solutions and probably want everyone to act so fast as a need to save/help them and myself.. i dont know why i do this … i will be working on it along with my temper

Yes, maybe it has to do with you being the eldest child and feeling responsible for your younger siblings, solving their problems, trying to help them?