Dear candice88:

I took my time and thoroughly read all your posts on this thread, taking notes as I went along. It is clear to me that you suffer from C-PTSD. There are online sources and books on the topic, a couple of books: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma, by Pete Walker, and Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole, by Arielle Schwartz.

Books and workbooks on PTSD are very relevant, being that you do suffer from PTSD (caused by your mother who has single-handedly inflicted on you  multiple traumas over the years of your childhood), such as: The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms By Mary Beth Williams.

Here’s perhaps a book for your future partner: Loving Someone with PTSD: A practical Guide to Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner after Trauma by Aphrodite T. Matsakis.

anita