dear whoever will read this…

im about to tell the my relationship story. i dont have anyone to talk to so i hope somone can give me their advice.

when i first met him i was still blocked off from beibg abused in my last relationship. i had an arrational fear of abandoment from him. i felt it was too good to be true. i even asked him to be mean to me. i felt like thats what i deserved. i started to feel like i was my ex and he was me.. even though i didnt abuse him i just had so much trauma i never thought anyone could love me…

anyway 5 months into our relationship i became pregnant and had an abortion. i was only 16 and it was my first experience w anything like this. so it all was alot for me and him too.. so i just blirted out that i didnt love him anymore even though i knew i did. more than anything. i love him so much..

after that things changed. and i knew it was my fault. it was built up resentment n fear and i wanted him back and i told him i was going to change. and i did. i developed my self love and self worth. but then he almost started treatinf me the way i treated him.

and ive allowed it for so long but its been almost a year and now he just flat out disrespects me and completely doesnt care either.. and he broke up with me recently after i confronted him about commenting on qnotger girls pic. i am very spiritual and this feels like good old karma. but what i did wasnt on purpose  and i wasnt purposely treating him the way i was.. i just was scared of exactly what im feeling right now. i miss him i want him back but when i text him he makes me feel so stupid. hell make plans to hangout and then tell me hes busy..

last minute ans it hurts. but somewjere deep inside of me tells me this is all my fault and i shouldnt feel upset or vixtimized because he was great at one point. what should i do ? his whole family tells me hes a liar and selfish and warn me that he can really minipulate people who allow him to.. so idk if its that or that i really am just gettibg back what i did. i feel like ive been making up for that one mistake but all of the times hes let me down. went behind my back cheated or lied has been swepr under the rug because of something i did when i was way younger and had alot of self healing to do. which ive done. i love him and he means alot to me but im tired. but then i think that i dont deserve to b tired or upset because of what i did. almost everyone tells me that what hes doing is wrong (even knowing the whole story) but i just cant help but feel if i never did tgat wed be ok today. but he also couldce Been more understanding I told him that I didn’t love him but as soon as we’re on the car ride home I told him that I didn’t mean that and that my mom’s at anniversary death was coming up and I was going through the loss of my first child he didn’t believe me and didn’t talk to me for weeks and we finally got back together and everything is fine but then again he changed it hasn’t changed back since it’s just progressively been getting worse. I love him but should I have to stay paying for that mistake I made or just let things be what they are and go our separate ways I miss him so much and I want to see him but I’m trying to put myself first then I feel that I don’t deserve that either because I was the one who messed up

I know my grandma is not the best in this story might be long and confusing but I hope you all got the just of it and can help me as much as you can any type of advice from men or women would be helpful I have an open ear and I’m willing to accept thank you