Dear Richard,

I remember once in my mid-twenties I was really struggling. I called my mom and broke down on the phone. I told her what I was dealing with went all the way back to when I was a kid and I began to tell her some of the stuff my brother would say to me. She said had she know he was saying things like that she would have stopped him. I remember saying on the phone to her “how could you not have known!?!?!”

Exactly. Didn’t your brother use to tease you in front of your parents too? Or he was careful to do it only when they weren’t around? Do you remember ever complaining to your parents about him, or you thought they would notice it by themselves?

In any case, that’s pretty severe that they haven’t noticed, and that your mother only found about it when you were in your mid-20s. By then, the damage was already done, and even though your father is very supportive now, there’s still the little boy inside of you, terrified of your brother and feeling totally alone and helpless. You’d need to work on his healing…

I just would have liked them to have been more cognizant of what I was feeling growing up and possibly have gotten me some professional help.

Right. They haven’t noticed that something’s going on with you when your grades dropped, you became withdrawn and stayed home most of the time. They should have noticed it, even if you didn’t say anything. Perhaps their excuse is that they had 4 children to take care of, although by the time you were in junior high, your 2 eldest siblings were already adults and required less attention… So I don’t know what the reason was of their negligence. But don’t be afraid to spell it out: they were negligent. It doesn’t mean they were bad parents altogether, but they failed to notice that their son was suffering.

I have been tempted to tell my dad about the cruel things my brother used to say to me growing up, but part of me feels like it would make him feel like a bad dad.

Right… it seems you’d rather protect your father from possible pain than protect yourself from pain…. maybe that was the reason why you were reluctant to complain to your parents about your brother’s bullying – because you thought that by telling them you would cause them pain and distress?