Yes, I think it is not the one or the other. I had thought a lot about the topic of criticism. From this relationship I learned to value criticism a lot. It is important for me now to look for the people who can be blunt and harsh to me when needed, because sometimes we need to get things said and friends are often way too polite in order to keep peace and don’t hurt feelings. Every person reacts to criticism negatively, often in defensive manner. But we should know to listen to the constructive criticism given to us and people who care to give it are important.
So I am thankful to my boyfriend, because he indeed taught me important things, gave me some very good advices. Really.
I learned to ask bluntly for feedback and advice, something I never did before. Small stuff like asking a good friend for a feedback how does my apartment smell. Or why do I failed an exam and what should I do differently. I asked my new boss if she can give me feedback of my work, because she never praised or criticized me. Or even asking my parents if I should break up with my boyfriend.
It is way easier than guessing people’s thoughts. I do it the opposite way too now. I told a good friend of mine who was single that she had bad breath often. I tried to be as discreet as possible and needed a lot of strength to do it. She thanked me later. And has a new boyfriend now, maybe fixing this issue has a finger in it? I told an colleague that she makes certain mistakes after I heard some other people at work gossiping about her, but not giving her any feedback.
And I wish to be told those things too, directly.
But the way my boyfriend criticizes in everyday life is not healthy and I tried communicating this very often. He believes, especially dealing with household and material things, to have found the right way. Example:  he has a philosophy of not having a scratch on his car and keeping it pristine clean. I have a philosophy of being comfortable. Once we were on the beach. He did not let me sit comfortable of play with the sand, because there will be sand in the car afterwards. Before I enter the car I should control the folds of my clothes for sand. The sand is made of small particles which in a microscopic way damage the seats of the car. Those particles get everywhere. This microscopic damage accumulates with time.
My philosophy is: I go and play in the sand and don’t care. Before I go in the car I remove visible sand from towels and clothes quickly. If there is sand in the car I vacuum it later. Done. And if microscopic damage accumulated with time, which happens with almost everything, I don’t care much too. I just don’t notice those things or when I do they don’t bother me. I don’t expect my car to look new after five years.

I want to show we have different philosophies. A lot of his critique goes in this direction. I don’t agree with his philosophy and don’t want to be told how to do things of which I already have an opinion. He says he spend a lot of time thinking about developing strategies to not damage objects and keep stuff clean. This, in his eyes, gives him right to criticize me, because I don’t seem to think about that stuff at all. I tell him that not thinking about this stuff is also an opinion. We just disagree.

I see how much this person loves me. I see his eyes glow when I am there. He tells me I am the one for him, he wants to have children. He believes we will find a solution to those problems. He agrees that his hoarding bothers me and tells me he will deal with it. And I decided to give it a try and move in with him. Well, It has been ten months and things don’t seem to change. I am tired and feel uncomfortable at home.
I don’t want to loose him, but I am unhappy and feel stuck.

Something bad happened to me last year and I got confronted with my mortality for the first time. I spent months in the worst mental state I was ever in my life.

Now I feel impatient and not ready to compromise with who I am. I feel so strongly that there is just one chance to live and I want to be myself. I put a lot more effort in my friendships and family, think a lot more of who and what matters in my life.
The conflict with my boyfriend is that he matters to me and that I matter to him. But living together does not make me shine but willow. Or he makes me shine just when we have some distance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by DeJana.