UPDATE: My anxiety and depression have been better the past few days. I have been sleeping better. I have also been sleeping in my bed instead of my couch with the tv on, which I tend to do when I am really stressed or depressed.

However, today I received a text from a former boss who is also a friend and one of my job references. She told me she was contacted about one of the jobs I applied for. I immediately felt a surge in my anxiety upon reading her text and also felt panicky. The job is with the college I graduated from with my phd. I was almost going to pull my application from consideration because the more I read the job announcement the less I wanted the role. I think I applied more or less because I did not have many open applications out there for consideration. I was dreading the interview, which was last week Tuesday. I was glad when the interview was over. I actually journaled that day about how it is not a job that I think I want, nor do I feel qualified for. It would be doing similar work as I did before pursuing my doctorate. A big reason I took the leap of faith and pursued my phd is because I felt incredibly unfulfilled in my professional career and I wanted/needed a change. I think I somewhat applied out of fear of not finding anything else, so I fell back on applying for similar work as I did before being a graduate student.

Part of me was hoping I would not be contacted for a second interview. I even thought about contacting the chair of the search committee to tell him I was no longer interested in the opportunity. I still have not been contacted for a second interview, but the text from my friend saying she was contacted about the position filled me with panic. I journaled right after reading the text…I wrote about how even if I get a second interview that does not mean I would be offered the job…and even if I was offered the job I can always turn it down. Yet, I filled with anxiety. It felt like the progress I made with my anxiety and depression over the past few days vanished.

Again…I am just putting this out here to somewhat get it out of my mind and to express some of my feelings. As always, thank you to those who listen. I appreciate it.

Richard

PS. I apologize for not always replying to replies, as well as for not always replying in a timely fashion. I am trying to reply as often as I can. Please know that I greatly appreciate everyone’s thoughts, questions, and advice.