Dear Michelle:

You are welcome. You described feeling guilty, burdened by having to go to see him so often, then wanting to go everyday, forgetting “the bad things and only think of the good“, then reminding yourself “that bad things happened also“, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, then today- complacent, tired of being sad.

“a voice deep down chimes in and reminds me that bad things happened also. When I feel really sad I frantically try to remind myself of all of the bad things I have forgotten“-

– this voice deep down wants to protect you from your father once again, doesn’t it? Just as it tried to protect you before, saying something like: if you relax in his presence, if you allow yourself to love him again, he will hurt you once again, just like he did before!

I think that (1) the anger/ hate is about your need to protect yourself from him, and (2) the desire to see him everyday, and the sadness- is what’s left over from the love you had for him as a little girl, before he caused or allowed for bad things to happen to you.

Am I understanding correctly?

anita