Dear Linarra:

“Keep myself spontaneous…”‘ I think this way of communicating will allow us to be more comfortable and enjoy our communication more. I am glad you took the initiative to start this. And I will do my best to do the same and to remind me about it“- yes, I am making a commitment to be/ continue to be spontaneous with you, best I can at any moment in time.

“She haunts me outside, in how she shaped my brain, making me cautious and un-adapted. But inside my home where she really is, I am guarded and adapted against her“-our mothers become our brain neuroactivity and chemistry: our thoughts, our feelings, our actions and reactions. Until and if we separate from her, until we develop our own thoughts, feeling our own feelings, thoughtfully choosing our own actions and reactions as the individuals that we become.

“I think about a phrase you wrote in your first post (‘I expected other people to be like my mother’’). It is the same for me, except I am adapted to my mother because I know her well”– The shocking part for me was that I thought I knew my mother well, but.. I didn’t.

We believe she is this and that because we need her to be this and that. I imagined she loved me because I needed her to love me. I imagined that she could not live without me because I felt that I couldn’t live without her.

“I really do hope my dysfunctionality will lessen over time“- me too, but no pressure. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Hopefully it will be interesting either way. When you become  interested in the life that is available to you right now, it gets to be an interesting process of learning vs. life being a good or bad final product.

“As long we don’t have to force ourselves to answer everything it is less exhausting to receive a long post. So we can permit ourselves to make them long if we know the other won’t have to feel forced to answer everything“- yes, agreed.

“the lack of sincerity isn’t good for anyone, especially when it comes to affection, it is suffocating. My appreciation of you at the moment isn’t causing me second-guessing or distress. It is nice“- It feels nice to me right now, very nice!

“As long it is something you genuinely wanted to say and you weren’t forcing yourself, it is alright with me“- same from me to you!

“There’s no way I would let your personal freedom affect my opinion of you“- I respect and honor your personal freedom too.

“My anxiety is entirely due to my unhealed issues, and my current lack of functionality. My brain does that, not you”– you are personally and socially responsible, the opposite of your mother/ my mother. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!

“And talking with you in safety, figuring out a pace that is comfortable for both of us, figuring out we aren’t going to turn against each other, is already helping. It’s enough“- I will not turn against you. If I did, I would lose my most important value: to be worthy of sincere, innocent trust. Losing that, I would be losing everything.

“they feel very “Anita” for me, in a nice way.. endearing“- that’s a different reaction from my mother’s reactions to my many trivial, random expressions, as small and unharmful as”(?)”s: … accusations, condemnation, and termination of all that’s good. Nice is .. so much, very much nicer!!!

anita