Dear Michelle:

“Not sure what I am asking for from this ramble was but it felt good to write it down“- then please do write it down any time you want to (if you don’t want to receive input, say so and I will respect it).

It is very difficult to watch a person you knew your whole life die. You never knew a world where your father was not part of. A world without him will be a new reality for you. There is sadness in losing the world as you know it.

About he guilt.. children and adult-children often feel guilty about their parents. There is nothing a young child wants more than to make his/her parents happy, particularly the parent who is most often there. When the child sees her parent unhappy, she thinks: it’s something I’ve done, or: there is something I was supposed to do,  but didn’t.

“The last time I was there he asked me to help him as in to make him feel better, but I couldn’t.. I brought him a digital frame..  but it didn’t make him happy“-  you wanted to make him happy.

“I started feeling bad for not feeling bad until I finally felt bad again”- try to be okay with your feelings changing back and forth, from feeling good to feeling badly (sad, angry, guilty, whatever comes up) and feeling good again, etc. Don’t let the changes in your feelings alarm you, instead: accept and expect these changes.

“However, for the last three days, I felt more ok, almost happy, and normal at times. I started my normal routines again“-

About adjusting to a major change in life, such as losing a parent/ losing the world as you knew it, the sameness of a daily routine is stabilizing.

anita