Dear Jisoo,

thank you for sharing, and I want to say I am sorry that you had this experience with your father. It’s very hard to trust men when your own father betrays you like that. And then your mother doesn’t notice or doesn’t want to notice anything but blames your tears on your sensitivity. Have you ever spoken to your mother about your father’s sexual harassment? Or you thought she would figure it out on her own?

I think I understand now what you saw in this man: I believe you saw in him both a mother and a father figure. He listened to you and had empathy for you (like a good mother), and guided you and advised you (like a good father). So he was meeting some of your basic unmet childhood needs. And he didn’t want sex from you, so you could trust him in that sense – which was super important for you. So even if he was shady, hiding things from you, behaving hot and cold, at least he wouldn’t betray you like your father did. He was safer than your father, and you appreciated it a great deal.

I think the next step for you would really be therapy, to process and heal the sexual abuse/incest wound, and also the betrayal you feel with regard to your mother, who didn’t see or refused to see your pain.

How are you feeling now? I do hope this conversation is helping you, and not making it harder for you because these are difficult topics. But if you would like to share some more, or discuss some more, either about your childhood or this man, you are welcome to share, I am here for you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.