Dear Akansha,

you are very welcome. Thanks for sharing some more and clarifying… Well, probably he described himself and his motives best when he said “I don’t need you”, when he first started pulling away from you. It is need that motivated him to be with you, not love.

You said he wanted to do everything together with you (He wanted me to be part of everything he did. Go to places he goes to, listen to songs he listens to, watch what he is watching) – it’s like a child who wants his mother to be near him while he is having a good time. It could be related to the fact that his mother suffered brain injury and suddenly became unavailable to him when he was 13. Although he was entering puberty, probably he still needed his mother a lot, and she wasn’t there for him any more.

So you might have replaced his missing mother, he used you to help him get from his boyhood into his adulthood. Perhaps he did grow up and become more independent during the course of your relationship (so my theory about him finding another mother figure who replaced you might not be true). If so, his resentment towards you would be like that of a teenager who still needs his mother when he’s in trouble, but who also wants her to back off and let him live his life as he pleases.

Perhaps that’s why he told you that he does want to marry you, but not when you tell him, but when he chooses. It’s like he felt you are taking away his autonomy when you force him to do things against his will. Again, it could be the teenage boy rebelling against his mother bossing him around.

Also, it’s peculiar that he would ask your permission to have phone sex with another woman, 5 months after your breakup. But then again, if he saw you as his mother, perhaps he felt the need to confide in you and ask for your opinion (like, do you think it’s okay to have phone sex with this girl whom I just met on facebook?)

He said he is proud of the progress I made as a human being and that he is not with me but he is climbing the ladder with me. he wants to meet me at the top

This would suggest that now he feels like a grown-up and better than you, and he doesn’t need you anymore. He finished his transition from a teenage boy to a grown man, and he feels good about himself and is enjoying his life.

But he hasn’t grown up emotionally. When he told you those hurtful things – that you are pathetic and needy – it shows he has no empathy and no respect for you. He used you as a crutch while he was growing up and becoming independent, and now that he doesn’t need you any more, he can discard you like an old cloth.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life.

It sounds like flattery – perhaps he was feeling a little down, perhaps something was bothering him at the moment, and he quickly called you to make him feel better, like he would call his mother? But since he knew he offended you quite a bit earlier, he needed to soften you with some sweet talk…  Do you think this might have been his motivation?