Dear Linarra:

“I would say we are all inmates at this point, because I think it’s true  to say my mother had lost her authority at some point. I didn’t replace her. There was just no more authority“- isn’t the home you live in clean enough, dishes and laundry washed, bills paid, etc.? And if so.. are these chores done by all parties through equal cooperation (?)

“my mother’s version is sometimes: She is the prisoner (the only prisoner) and her children are her prison guards“- in her mind, are all her children-guards equal in abusing her, one more than another (?)

“We are scared of her like any inmate would be scared of a scary unpredictable harmful inmate, and there’s no real authority to stop her. Just collaboration and smartness to deal with her” – in the collaboration and smartness dealing with her, each one of the siblings has his/ her own job/ expertise (?)

“In my home, what I cannot do because of my dysfunctionality (go out for groceries, phone calls, making decisions… someone else will be able to do it. Maybe“- if your siblings’/ mother’s functionality in regard to the household is doing the shopping etc., .. what is your functionality in the household (there has to be one, could it be.. advising your siblings perhaps, being the one with the cool head/ calm presence when your mother misbehaves)?

“I wasn’t dishonest about them“- I trust you..  even when I don’t. I like this sentence I just wrote, but truly I do trust you, I believe that you are as honest as I am, no  less.

“your inputs are still relevant to help me understand my mother who has impacted my life forever“- it feels to me that I entered a phase where understanding you/your mother is more difficult than it was so far, but I also feel that I can walk through this phase and be wiser on the other side of it.

“I don’t even know how to build irl social support as I have a hard time trusting people“- it will take losing your trust in what your mother taught you: that people in the outside world are not to be trusted. (It is the person in the inside that is not to be trusted)

“I don’t want to rely too much on people because I am afraid of being betrayed again“- you were betrayed by your mother, way more than you were betrayed by any other person, true? How many people on the outside betrayed you?

“I was kind of hoping she would be dead before.. I find a way to get out of here“- why that hope, why would it be easier to leave if she dies first???

“I had my share of random anxiety scattered throughout the day. I cannot say if the cause was this discussion“- it could be this discussion. Like I said, in my experience this is a more difficult phase in understanding (this is why I am asking all these questions), one that requires patience.. it is not fun, nor is it a phase soaked with affection and empathy (there is something very unclear to me and I can’t pinpoint right now what it is!) but it’s just a phase. If you are willing, we can go through it together and get to a better place.

anita

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