Dear Anita,

I’m glad you appreciate the reciprocation. For me, when I reciprocate those little things, it is a way to understand and experiment with your way of communication, a way to feel closer to someone I appreciate. I like them, these little bits of spontaneity when you share your time and what’s going on next for you.

“I was up again at 3am (this is becoming a pattern, not good). “

Not good indeed. Do you have any idea what it may come from? I really hope you’ll be able to have better sleep soon!

” I am indeed sure that she did not lose her authority over you because your life (outside your daydreaming and creative writing/drawing) is about her. She is the center, the actor; you are in the periphery, the reactor.”

Ah yes, it is mostly still like that. I try to guide her to better choices but she is still in power, I depend on whether she will feel like listening or not. And… Strangely enough, she does listen sometimes! She considers my opinion on certain things. Often when I was a teen she would ask for my advice and not listen (it was annoying). Now she does listen to me a bit. Sometimes she is reluctant and it requires more instance from my parts.

Really, educating her is a full-time job. Because sometimes she sees the benefits of being reasonable (she acts reasonably with my brother because she thinks he will leave forever if she doesn’t behave, but he despises so he’ll leave anyway, he just makes her believe she can still own him until he cut ties), some other times the drama what pleases her the most. Educating her is still important because she has no idea how to behave well, even when she wants to win over someone… I help her with that. It does not strengthen her power because at this point she’s very much disliked by all of us, but it does make our life with her more bearable.

Though, maybe… Helping her making herself more bearable at times is what prevents the urgency to leave, and so makes her ownership more efficient… Well, I’m already holding myself responsible for this situation, let’s just add that to the pills of “all the things I did wrong by trying to do well”.

” It doesn’t FEEL to you like it is a choice because of her authority, because she owns you.”

That might explain why I feel powerless over this situation or over the possibility to leave, even when the theory makes it sounds easy enough to leave.

“I am not sure (I can’t predict the future), but I think that the prognosis is that you will live with your mother until one of you dies.”

Once, it was a prognosis I was resigned to. She owned me up completely and I was ok with that, it was meant to be… And I kind of expected/hoped it would happen fast enough, the death of one of us.

Now, even if I still can’t imagine a future for myself, I can see how it could be… a waste of me, if it were to last for too long.

“will there be something new that she will be doing to your siblings if you weren’t there.. is there something you are now preventing her from doing to your siblings?”

At the moment, there’s nothing new.

My brother should be gone for good soon (he came back during the summer vacations because there were some things he was engaged to finish around there, but once it’s done he has no reason to come back and doesn’t intend to do so unless it really can’t be helped), so that’s good news for him.

If I were to leave before my sister, I don’t know how it would go… Because my sister and my mother have always been the biggest source of fire when they are together. I have no idea how it would go. Whether my sister would choose to leave or to stay, and in the latter option, how much my mother would make her suffer since she dislikes my sister the most but would have no other children yet to own.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter now, because first I would need enough motivation to leave first for it to be a real worry.

” I am not sure about this, but I think that it’s very possible that if you did have enough money, you would still live with your mother.”

I think so too… I had such a thought. And wasn’t proud of it.

“she was telling  one person: you, Linarra, that she wants you to take care of her and of your brother, which is what she told you many times, didn’t she? … words that were meant for you.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if she were addressing me these words.

“ I think I know: the job you already had is spelled out in the paragraph right above: “to take care of me and her brother”. Your mother said so.”

My brother doesn’t need anyone to take care of him now. Only my mother is left, and I told her countless time I didn’t want to take care of her and had no intention to. I am trying to figure out who I wanna become… and how to leave without ending up alone, or in another bad situation. I don’t even know where I would want to go. I don’t care as much about places as I care about people… But I also don’t trust people, I can’t rely on them. I should be able to rely on myself alone. But I don’t… know what to do. But I’ll have to figure it out anyway.

“it’s been a few days that I’ve been waking up too early. I don’t like the feeling, but I am glad that I can still make sense here, on your thread. It is afternoon your time, I have an image of you in the house,  I can see the clutter, almost hear the voices of your brother, your sister and the monster.”

Now it is 8:13 pm here, and 11:13 where you live (still morning! 9 hours is a lot, isn’t it?), my house sounds eerier in this short description than in my mind. Maybe it’s because I chose to not focus on the eerie parts now, I know there was a time I was a bit uncomfortable with the eeriness of it.

I hope you’ll be able to get some rest today, and a better sleep tonight. I will think of you before I sleep.  I tend to, lately, since it’s been a while I’ve been deprived from my usual sources of daydreaming.

Linarra