Dear Tineoidea:

I will retell your story in a summarized fashion, in my effort to “make sense of this“:

You had an almost 2-year long distance relationship with a woman (let’s refer to her as W), including a few months in-person. It was amazing, “never a boring or dull moment, and the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger… connected on most levels“. The plan was marriage and a life together in her country.

A man friend of yours (let’s refer to him as M) was angry at W because he felt that she replaced him in your life. M told you this about W: “(She is) being a pretender that will only harm me, will tear us two apart“, and later you wrote about M: “I do know that the guy can be very controlling and possessive, as I have dealt with it many times“-

– I need to pause on retelling your story and ask you: can you elaborate on your relationship with M, the history of the relationship (sounds like it was very close, perhaps romantic)?

Back to your story: M abused W, “treating her like a lesser being“, she “suffered a lot over it, cried a lot“, and yet, you did not end your friendship with him. You were “intent on cutting him off” but you didn’t. He then “kept doubling up on his abuse of her“, but you still didn’t end your relationship with the man who abused the woman you planned to marry. Instead of ending your relationship with him, you “kept trying to mediate“.

I will pause here. You wrote about your relationship with W: “At the start we helped each other a great deal emotionally, unraveled each other’s issues“, and later, you wrote about W: “She has a history of being stuck in abusive relationships“. I imagine then that at the start of the relationship, when the two of you unraveled each other’s issues, you learned that she has a history of being stuck in abusive relationships. My question is: while W was abused by M, why did you not do all that you could to prevent him from abusing her, including ending all contact with M?

Back to your story, you wrote: “Eventually I had to cut him off from her… things didn’t really improve in between him and me“-

Another pause to ask: how did you cut him off her, and why did you not cut him off you?

Back to your story: “at a point I decided to simply cut him off as that’s not the kind of the friend I want. Needless to say that he didn’t take this well“. Next W got close with M, turning against you. Next, she broke up with you. As this was happening, “she denied romantic involvement with him“, and “he kept saying that they’re falling in love“.

I would like to reply further if and when I receive your answers.

anita