Dear Linarra:

The way I answer your posts is, as you know, part by part, taking my time, letting the feelings settle, patiently making sense of things:

“I prefer to answer ahead than to risk replying with a delay that could make you wonder if I was bothered with anything you said. I’m warning you so you know you don’t have to rush your reply“-

– you cared that I will not feel troubled about you not replying to me, and then you cared that I will feel pressure to respond to you in a rushed manner. I don’t think I received quite such caring on tiny buddha, this is a unique/ exceptional experience for me.

“Very understandable, we rarely get a say whether or not we fall into traps we’re born into… my mother.. has been insulting any of her daughters for leaving with a man and relying on a man,  even those who didn’t leave yet! I always wanted to make her shut up on that because she was the one making the environment so terrible anyone could be tempted to fall into another trap for as long it isn’t hers“-

– This is exactly my experience, you said it just like it was for me: I preferred to “fall into another trap for as long as it isn’t hers”- no trap felt close to being as bad as being in her trap. Being in other traps, as humiliating as they were- felt like a welcomed breaks from being in her trap.

Your mother/  my mother not wanting us to be “relying on a man” is their dealing with potential competition over who owns us.

“I am not happy with this life, of course. The idea I will stay in this time loop isn’t very good for my mental health. I can only be patient if there’s hope of evolution for me“-

– I see hope for you but I wouldn’t say: you can do it, Linarra! You can do it, I know you have it in you.. etc. This cheerleading is not good for you or for anyone in your position, I believe, because it is likely to create pressure in you, you thinking something like: well, if I can do it.. why don’t I? What’s wrong with me?

It really is impossible for me (or for anyone) to know that you can or cannot live away and independently from your mother: the proof will be in the pudding, as the saying goes: if you live away and independently from your mother long enough- then you will know that it is possible for you.

I wrote to you yesterday: “you are helping me understand me and my mind/ heart/ life better, so thank you!”, and you answered: “That’s good, I’m happy“-

I want to add to my point about you helping me something that I thought about after our exchange yesterday, while I was walking on the treadmill. It is regarding the reason I thought that you will choose to no longer communicate with me, and that was that I mentioned to you my experience with exchanges with men. I thought that you will be disgusted by me. Walking on the treadmill, I thought: what if Linarra had this shame that I have, in regard to such exchanges, will I tell her: shame on you!

And I answered myself: no, I wouldn’t, while feeling empathy for you, and extra empathy at the idea of you experiencing what I did, that humiliation with men. Next, I thought to myself: maybe I don’t have to live with this shame anymore. If Linarra does not deserve this (or any other) shame, why do I?

And for the first time in my life, I considered that maybe I do not have to keep living with that shame.

So, you see how you are helping me?

I wrote to you: “I think that you having an emotional attachment to me will be good for you, not bad for you”, and you answered: “I think so too, even if I am anxious about it“- I cannot tell you how crucial it is for me to not betray your trust in me. If I did so, I will be betraying my trust in me and in everything I value most highly.

“I am comfortable at the idea of exchanging email with you, though I am unsure how to do it on this forum without keeping the information public..  I feel safe with you but with the amount of information that has been shared on this thread I’m a bit uncomfortable letting also my mail there“-

– I am interested in continuing our communication here because it may be helpful to other members reading it, silent members that are following our communication. So, I am not interested at this time to transfer our communication to private email. It is a good idea to exchange emails in case this website is no longer available for us, and of course, for the purpose of talking on the phone. There is a way to exchange emails without the email remaining on records here and I have done it already. But no rush in doing so.

The way to do it is: we agree to do it at a particular time, then one of us submits a post with the email address, the other copies it to paper, and the other clicks “Edit”, and deletes the email address. It needs to be done within the 5 minutes or so that the Edit feature is available after each post is submitted. I have never given my email address, it was always the other member that has done so, but I am willing to make an exception for you and post my email for you to copy. But like I said, no need to rush. It is just an idea to get used to, at this point.

“For the phone calls, I’m more nervous about that. Both because it takes a while for me to get used to them with a new person and because I am insecure about my ability to have a clear english pronunciation, but we’ll see. If I can overcome my anxiety, why not“-

– I will so enjoy hearing your French accent. But like I wrote above, there is absolutely no rush, it is an idea to get used to- or not, a possibility, something you may grow to like later.

“I’m really glad because I wouldn’t be able to be comfortable if it weren’t a Win-Win connection”- if I thought that I was capable enough and saintly enough to help anyone through an extended communication over time- without being helped at the same time- that would make me either too altruistic or too arrogant for my own good (and in so being, not helpful at all).

“I think you are a good person too” – yesterday I referred to myself in my post as a good person. I don’t think I ever did that. Later on the treadmill I perceived not feeling ashamed anymore.. now I see the connection.

“ And I agree it could be good for me. Though, since I’m always worried, I might be checking regularly if things are still Win-Win for you“- you are welcome to check regularly, but I think that I will let you know every time I  become aware that you are helping me, just as I did in this post.

“I’m so glad you slept so well last night!! And it’s sweet you kept your word“- you noticed that it was important for me to keep my word. You noticed. Last night I was up for a long while but I went back to sleep and was up shortly before 7, good thing!

“I wanted to warn you the three following days (maybe more?) my schedule and internet connection will be unpredictable so I am unsure about my ability to reply. It is because my high school friends are back in the area for this week and they planned for us to go out a lot. I’m pretty sure I will have some spare time to think of you, but unsure about the possibility to reply. Just so you don’t worry!“-

– Thank you for the warning. Similarly and independently of your warning, I thought only yesterday about letting you know that sometimes I lose the internet, if happens quiet often and it can last for a long time when I lose electricity.

I am okay with you not posting for a while, and hope that you experience more calm and meaning, and hopefully some joy being out with your high school friends!

anita