I’m back at my mother’s house. I’m emotionally drained, lonely and are crying all the time. I’m trying immensely to find a reason to live. At the psych ward, we worked intensely to figure out my anxiety and depression triggers. My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child. The main reason I long for having kids is to protect them, save them and give them the love and caring I never had. The feeling of not being able to fulfil this urge is the main trigger for my major depression. I’m grieving my childlessness, my inability to heal myself, to be “normal” and to be a loving and caring “family man”. I know this doesn’t make sense, and sounds empty-headed, but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal. The older I get, the more painful are the longings. I’m scared of living, scared of the passage of time. I’m fading and my memories are fading. The distance between myself and my “good old days” and positive memories are increasing with every year that goes by. The more time passes, the more self-hate, regrets and anger I feel.  I’ve been “dead” for a really long time, and no medication, no treatment is working. I tried ACT, CBT and DBT, but none of them is working.