Hello Javier, i read your most recent post, from what im seeing, from this post only, it seems that you have a desire for something > you don’t fulfill it> you get depressed and say whats the point?> you blame yourself,  adding fuel to the fire (im not blaming here, im just stating what i understood)

“My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child”

Maybe, but i say it doesn’t matter where it came from, the desire won’t change, unless you are curious about the reason, the thing is, all you can know is speculation, if it was from a therapist or yourself, the past, is merely a creation of your mind, you simply can’t capture the full truth, so why bother? I see the efficient way is to work with the current desires, only if you wanna change them, you should dig the reason (if its inside your control, by changing the reason you might be able to change the desire)

“I know this doesn’t make sense”

It make sense, i think i understand.

but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal

So even if you fulfill the desire and do exactly what your “inner child” want?

The older I get, the more painful are the longings. I’m scared of living, scared of the passage of time

From my observation, it seems that the longer ones lives with unmet desire, the less care the person gets about such desire.

They say that the most feared things is death and the unknown, funny they never mention how scary life can be.

I’m fading and my memories are fading

I understand, though don’t worry about memories, memories shouldn’t be the main motivation we do things, we should do things because we enjoy them, memories is the extra things, maybe you have them, maybe you don’t, why worry about something so outside of your control?

The distance between myself and my “good old days” and positive memories are increasing with every year that goes by

The good old days that you remember had bad days in between, one thing about remembering is we make it all sound good, when in reality it was mediocre, we can’t capture the true feeling of the past, thus we create a new version of it, a better one because the present is too painful, and then we get twice as sad, because we had “good days”.

The more time passes, the more self-hate, regrets and anger I feel

I wish i could help you Javier, words just isn’t enough, i feel even in reality there would be little to offer.

Maybe the thing that causing anger/regret/self hatred, is a thought, a changable thought, something like “its my falut i don’t have what i need” im not saying to dismiss such thought, just think, “is this Objectively true?”, i will give you an example to help you with this thought.

Person X, had childhood+teenage+adult life+genes, they shaped his life, the result of him, the result sadly was not as expected, the result were bad, now person X blames himself for the result, regret the result, make the result personal, as if the result is him, not something happen to him, one thing though, he blames himself also because of those factors, i believe if i change few things in X  life, and he had the same result, he would feel differently, think differently, and maybe not feeling guilt and shame so much.

Its ok to not satisfy your need, its ok to not do anything, its ok to be “dead”, if you can’t fix a problem, maybe you should accept it…