Dear Anita,

” I wanted to make her happy, to make her dream come true. And so.. I destroyed my own dream: to be free from her.” ” After that, the pattern was that I made progress living away from her, but every time I traveled to visit her, all that progress was reversed. Eventually, those wings I felt I had- flying in the clear, blue sky- nothing was left of those wings.”

You still loved her and wanted to make her happy somehow. And her power over you lasted despite being so far away because you were coming back to her.. because the ties weren’t entirely cut.

 ” For a child: if X upsets her mother, X is a bad thing.”

Everything potentially upsets my mother. So everything is a bad thing to her. I had a fight within me. Because I hated her. But any rebellion/standing up I would do she would put shame on me. Sometimes playing the victim very well, making ma a bad girl. Making me feel like a victimizer for… having any feelings/actions that she doesn’t agree with.

“Her criticisms of your friends and her other messages are all part of the big picture. To undo a confused picture, you have to simplify it, part by part.”

Quite a difficult thing to do, but your inputs are helpful.

” I believe that you are enough of a person, I believe that.. you are a lot of a person/ human. I understand that my belief isn’t enough: that you need to believe it!”

Thank you. I do not know what it would take for me to believe it. Not only intellectually but emotionally. It makes sense though, emotions are a big thing that makes a person feel like a person, feel alive. And the shutting down of them has been participating in this difficult to see me as a person.

“I like you as more than enough of a person. An object could not be having this amazing conversation with me. Do you feel shame for having read what I just wrote?”

No, I smiled when reading this. And no, I do not feel shame right now. Though it is unlikely such phrases would be a shame trigger. After all, how you feel and what you chose to say is up to you. You considering me as a person isn’t something that would make me shameful.

Me hoping for it though, is a bit shameful. It isn’t rational… It is a needs, the need to be considered as a person, the need to be respected, or wishing for appreciation to be mutual. It is normal, and kind of a pre-requisite for healthy interactions/relationships. Yet something messed up has been put into my mind, making me feel ashamed for normal things. And well, thankfully I’m not messed up enough to feel shameful when a person does respect me or consider me as a person. I do still feel shameful for growing attached though. Or afraid. Or both. Probably because attachment is another level of intensity. More troublesome than basic respect… less rational, more emotional.

“I mentioned before being gentle and patient with yourself, but I didn’t mention being respectful toward yourself: when you talk to your friend, don’t apologize for how you feel about staying with her. In general, don’t apologize for how you feel about anything: you don’t choose how you feel, therefore there is no wrong doing and nothing to apologize for.”

Well that’s at least one thing I’ve been doing right. I don’t have the habit of apologizing for how I feel (maybe because I rarely even talk about how I feel, I rarely even know how I feel). Be ashamed, sure, but apologizing is another thing.

“When you speak about your feelings, including shame, to your friend or to anyone, speak with an air of respect toward your feelings. Instead of saying something like I-feel-shame with a weak, shaky voice, or with a numb, “dead” voice, say it with a strong, confident voice: that’s respect for how you feel/ for you!”

Hmm, this one is a bit harder. I don’t pay much attention to how I speak of my feelings, but I think most of the time it’s more neutral/monotone (I guess is could seem numb, I don’t know). It’s is more of an analysis and hypothesis about how I feel than… an actual feeling of my feelings. If it makes sense. Because I don’t feel a lot lately. I do feel some things during my communication with you but otherwise, it is mostly numb. So it is hard to speak with confidence.

For the update: I spoke to my friend today. She was very understanding, she said she didn’t take it the wrong way and I didn’t have to feel obliged to do anything. She said I could take the time to think about it and she would follow my pace. She did offer, though, if it could help me evaluate, that we could try over a for only weekend. I think she would be understanding even if it didn’t work out. I trust her on that.

Linarra