Dear Linarra:

“as we are both on our healing journey I believe it is safe enough for us to… go for it. At the pace that feels right, since we are patient this shouldn’t be a problem to go slowly and safely. Carefully, because we both care about each other“- Yes!!!

As I read what you wrote about attachment styles, the anxious and avoidant, I thought: really, all that matters is Trust: that I am trustworthy and therefore, that you will be okay trusting me. All the academic information, as interesting as it is, will not bring about anything good unless the person you get attached to is worthy of your trust.

I thought about our future connection, thought about .. once I get my passport renewed and Covid permitting, I will fly again to my country of origin, I could stop in Paris and travel from there to see you. Earlier I thought about calling you and it occurred to me that you are living with.. Her, and what if she gets on the phone and harasses me, what if she finds our communication here, email.. and attacks me, perceiving me as the Danger-Out-There.. I don’t want her or people like her in my life.

“I’ve had those small daydreaming about you. Not something like you helping me escape, no… mostly just about what our connection would look like if we could interact in real life, how I would feel… And it makes me feel really good to imagine this“- sitting in an outdoors casual restaurant with you, it’s quiet enough to talk but the noises around are pleasant, people talking to each other, seeming happy.. and we sit there, maybe drinking cappuccino with foam, your face so young, mine much older.. a smile, maybe a shy smile on my face, on yours, the sun is pleasant, warm but not hot, some traffic noise.. sitting there enjoying the pleasant sun, the sounds, noticing the awkward feeling and reminding each other that it’s okay to feel awkward, no need to add awkward on top of awkward… Maybe it’s later in the day and we an have a glass or red wine (I will have to add a sweetener to it, which might offend proud wine drinkers… will it offend you?)

anita