Dear Anita,

Your reply fills me with joy. In my head, I’ve been using the word Love in relation to you for quite a while… but I didn’t want to rush it! I didn’t want to risk worrying you or making you scared, also I was a bit worried it could mess your connection if I rushed it. So I thought, “It’s alright to wait, it’s a special word, I want it it to be special, and use it when it’ll be safe”. Safe from too much worry… Because worrying is legit, when love is at play, emotional investment… Plus I’m living with a monster who has been messing with my head since my birth, not exactly the most reassuring thing ever. I understand it very well, this kind of worry. It is why I need to be emotionally mature and responsible! For myself, sure, but also to be worthy of your trust in me, to be worthy of saying “I love you” meaningfully, because I’ll be able to prevent as much hurt as I can if I take full accountability for my own emotions and actions.

And I want to deserve it, to be worthy, because I’ve been wanting to tell you about my deep affection so much times. I’ve been worried about letting it slip during one of my posts in the middle of the night, in a timing that wouldn’t be right, because my sleepy mind probably would probably forgot to tell you about to commitment I mentioned in the previous paragraph (my sleepy mind very often think “oh it’s Anita, I love her, let’s tell her!”, I’m very childish and emotional when I’m half asleep) . And I wouldn’t have liked to make you worry until I notice my mistake! So I’ve been keeping myself in check.

In the end I let it slip today because… you suggested I could hate you! And not even for a reasonable reason, for being good to me! I couldn’t let it go! Plus, you did mention the word ‘love’ in relation to our connection so it relieved a bit of the worry of maybe offended you or rushing you too much.

That being said, please do tell when I’m doing something wrong and I don’t notice! I’m trying to be careful so you don’t have to worry too much about me, but I want you to feel free to tell me without having to worry about me hating you.

I hope your walk is enjoyable, I wish I could join you too! Good afternoon Anita, and I hope you’ll sleep well tonight, I’m going to sleep now.

PS: when we’ll exchange our emails I’ll have to tell you about my real name! Just for your personal information. I didn’t think things would go in this order, a bit unconventional. I don’t mind though, I hope you don’t either. I would have tell you way earlier but not on the forum.

Linarra