Dear Tineoidea:

“Help me make sense of this”  is the title of your thread which you started 2 weeks ago, August 20. On the same day I tried to do just that, make sense of it and I posted to you (“M” and “he”/”his” stand for your former possessive male friend, “W” and “she”/”her” stand for your former girlfriend; the boldface feature is my addition in this post):

“You were strong enough to overlook his possessiveness, strong enough to endure a rocky relationship with him. Sometime after W entered a relationship with M, she was not strong enough to overlook his possessiveness, and she was not strong enough to endure a rocky relationship with him. She felt too much empathy for him, and too much of a desire to please him. So she pleased his desire to possess her… His possessiveness found its satisfaction with W, he finally succeeded to possess someone. And so, he replaced you with her. As a result of being possessed, W is confused, lost and troubled“.

On the same day, Aug 20, you responded to my post above with: “Thank you for the insight, this is similar to what I and my friends came with. Now I just don’t know what to do about it“.

The day after, August 21, you posted: “I’ve had a very heated conversation with her recently, with a lot of emotions, mixed signals and her saying that it is her who chose to engage with him actively and let him in. Not sure if that was just her way of defending him but it projects and even worse scenario, that she actively chose to betray me“-

– at this point on, your perception of the situation has started to change from M being the strong, possessive, dominant of the two (the two being M and W), the one who was betraying you to===> an “even worse scenario”, one where W is the strong, possessive, dominant of the two, the one betraying you. Your focus then shifted from M to W as the cause of your pain, the one who hurt you and the object of your anger.

The day after, August 22, you posted: “We’ve had a very emotive call and she decided to cut off the communication for good.. she still wants to try things with him and absolutely doesn’t want to give us two a chance, she wants to move on. She also refused to meet face to face and give it a proper closure, which sits very wrong with me as I think it is only the decent thing to do when it comes to such a lifechanging decision“-  another very emotional call and you are very angry at her for choosing another man over you. M is now in the background, not important to the story: it is W who is strong, dominant, the one betraying you.

Seven days later, August 29, and your perception of W as strong, dominant and rejecting cemented into the popular name calling and synonym for evil, used massively online against rejecting romantic partners: a narcissist (A NARC is the more degrading term): “I believe I had managed to unravel the mystery. After countless hours of reading.. I came to the conclusion that she suffers from the Covert version of NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder)“.

“According to her, she always felt some sort of unexplainable empathy and draw towards him.. She did mention feeling an unexplainable attraction and empathy towards him”, “she’s been ‘babying’ him a lot as well as excusing him of everything bad he did and fiercely defending him against any criticism. It seems she sees him as some sort of ‘victim’ who needs to be saved”, “She.. .began spending every day with him and also turned against me, now parroting his hatred against me“-

– what all this means is that she saw the hurt, sad child inside the angry, possessive and insulting adult M, and she will do anything to make this child happy. She wants to save that child (a child who does not exist except as a mental entity in the adult M). During the emotional calls you had with her around Aug 21-22, she was like a fierce Mother defending her minor-age son, a boy who she feels needs to be defended and protected from a dangerous world.

“her saying that it is her who chose to engage with him actively and let him in. Not sure if that was just her way of defending him but it projects and even worse scenario, that she actively chose to betray me“- her intent is to defend him, not to betray you.

“she denied romantic involvement with him, saying that she doesn’t know what’s going on exactly“- like I said, I think that her attraction to him is her strongly-felt need to protect the hurt, sad, weak boy that she sees in him. When you spoke against him during the emotional calls, she saw you as part of that dangerous world that is against the boy, and she pushed you away farther.

anita

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